W. N. P. Barbellion’s diary, 1911

As a young man--a very young man--my purpose was to plough up all obstacles, brook no delays, and without let or hindrance win through to an almost immediate…

Feeling ill and suffering from attacks of faintness. My ill health has produced a change in my attitude towards work. As soon as I begin to feel the least bit down,…

Walked in the country. Coming home, terrified by a really violent attack of palpitation. Almost every one I met I thought would be the unfortunate person who would…

Feel like a piece of drawn threadwork, or an undeveloped negative, or a jelly fish on stilts, or a sloppy tadpole, or a weevil in a nut, or a spitchcocked eel. In…

After some days with the vision of sudden death constantly before me, have come to the conclusion that it's a long way to go to die. Am coming back anyhow. Yet…

... The Doctor's orders "Cease Work" have brought on in an aggravated form my infatuation for zoological research. I lie in bed and manufacture rolling periods in…

From One Maiden Lady to Another. (Authentic) "My dear Sister,--You have been expecting to hear from me I know, I have had inflammation to my eyes twice in 3 weeks…

If I die I should like to be buried in the cherry orchards at V----. How the beastly mob loves a tragedy! The sudden death of the Bank Manager is simply thrilling…

On coming downstairs in the evening played Ludo with H----. At one stage I laughed so much in conjunction with that harlequin H---- that I got cramp in the…

H---- and I play Ludo incessantly. We've developed the gambling fever, and our pent-up excitement every now and then explodes in fiendish cackles, and Mother looks…

No one will ever understand without personal experience that an exceedingly self-conscious creature like myself driven in on himself to consume himself is the…

Railway Travel A journey in a railway train makes me sentimental. If I enter the compartment a robust-minded, cheerful youth, fresh and whistling from a walk by the…

Who will rid me of the body of this death? My body is chained to me--a dead weight. It is my warder. I can do nothing without first consulting it and seeking its…

I can well imagine looking back on these entries later on and blushing at the pettiness of my soul herein revealed.... Only be charitable, kind reader. There are…

Maeterlinck's Wisdom and Destiny is distilled Marcus Aurelius. I am rather tired of these comfortable philosophers. If a man be harassed by Fate with a red rag and…

Staying by the Sea I have been living out of doors a lot lately and am getting sunburnt. It gives me infinite pleasure to be sunburnt--to appear the man of the open…

L---- was digging up the ground in his garden to-day and one shovelful came up thick and shapely. He laid the sod on its back gently without breaking it and said…

Returned home. I hate living in this little town. If some one dies, he is sure to be some one you had a joke with the night before. A suicide--ten to…

Two more people dead--one a school friend. Sat on a seat on the river bank and read the Journal of Animal Behaviour. It made me long to be at work. I foamed at the…

A dirty ragamuffin on the river's bank held up a tin can to me with the softly persuasive words,-- "'Ere, Mister, BAIT." "What are you going to do with it?" "Fish."…

Old Diaries Spent some happy time reading over old diaries. I was grieved and surprised to find how much I had forgotten. To forget the past so easily seems…

Brilliantly fine and warm. Unable to resist the sun, so I caught the ten train to S---- and walked across the meadow (buttercups, forget-me-nots, ragged robins) to…

Brilliantly fine and warm. Went by train to C---- Woods. Took first-class return on account of the heat. Crossed the meadow and up the hill to the mill leat, where…

Brilliantly fine. Went by the early train to S----. Walked to the ivy bridge and then waded upstream to the great slab of rock where I spread myself in the sun as…

Sat at Liverpool University for the practical exam. Zoology, Board of Education. At the close the other students left but I went on working. Prof. Herdman asked me…

Oeconomic biology may be very useful but I am not interested in it. Give me the pure science. I don't want to be worrying my head over remedies for potato disease…

In the afternoon went out dredging in fifteen fathoms off the pier at I----, but without much success.... Got a large number of interesting things, however, in the…

Went to the trout stream again. After stretching a muslin net crosswise on the water for insects floating down, sat on the footbridge and read Geology for the…

Had to write backing out of the Dublin Examination for which I am nominated to sit. I am simply not fit for the racket of such a journey in my present state of…

Had a letter from Dr. S---- enough to wring tears from a monument. Sat like a valetudinarian in the Park all day getting fresh air--among the imbeciles, invalids,…

Still another chance--quite unexpectedly received a second nomination this morning to sit for another exam, for two vacancies in the British Museum. Good luck this.

Very hot, so went to S----, and bathed in the salmon pool. Stretched myself out in the water, delighted to find that I had at last got to the very heart of the…

At 4 p.m. to the Salmon Pool for a bathe. 87.3 in the shade. The meadow was delicious in the sunshine. It made me want to hop, flirt my tail, sing. I felt ever such…

Caught the afternoon train to C----, but unfortunately forgot to take with me either watch or tubes (for insects). So I applied to the station-master, a youth of…

A trapper killed a specimen of Tropidonotus natrix and brought it to me. I gave him sixpence for it and am just going to dissect it.

There are folk who notice nothing. (Witness Capt. McWhirr in Conrad's Typhoon.) They live side by side with genius or tragedy as innocent as babies; there are heaps…

Preparing a Snake's Skull Prepared the skull of grass snake. I fancy I scooped out the eyes with patent delight--I suppose symbolically, as though, on behalf of the…

At 2.30 Dad had three separate "strokes" of paralysis in as many minutes, the third leaving him helpless. They sent for me in the Library, where I was reading, and…

Dad cannot live long. Mother bears up wonderfully well. Tried to do some examination work but failed utterly. A---- is watching in the sick-room with Mother who…

The funeral. It is not death but the dreadful possibilities of life which are so depressing.

A Day in Autumn A cool, breezy autumn day. The beach was covered with patches of soapy foam that shook tremulously in the wind--all the rocks and everything were…

Staying in Surrey. Exam. over and I feel fairly confident--after an agony for a few days before on account of the development of a cold which threatened to snatch…

Une Caractère ... She is a tiny little old lady, very frail and very delicate, with a tiny voice like the noise of a fretsaw. She talks incessantly about things…

Home once more. The Natural History Museum impressed me enormously. It is a magnificent building--too magnificent to work there--to follow one's profession in a…

I'm in, in, in!!!!!!!!! being first with 141 marks to spare. Old M----[the servant] rushes up to my sister's bedroom with the news just after 7 a.m., and she says,…

This is the sort of letter which is balm to me:--"My darling W----,--I need hardly tell you how absolutely delighted we were at the grand news of this morning. You…

The three most fascinating books in Science that I have so far read are (easily):--1. Darwin's Expression of the Emotions. 2. Gaskell's Origin of Vertebrates. 3.…

... I am always looking out for new friends--assaying for friendship.... There is no more delightful adventure than an expedition into a rich, many-sided…

In the Park it was very dark and she said,-- "If I lose you I shan't be able to find my way home." "Oh! I'll look after you," I said. Both being of the same mind at…

The thing is obsessing me. After an early supper called and found my lady ready to receive me. No one else at home. So walked into the oak-panelled room with the…

She is a fine sedative. Her movements are a pleasant adagio, her voice piano to pianissimo, her conversation breaks off in thrilling aposiopoeses. An awful comedy…

... On the Station waited for an hour for the train. Gave her a box of sweets and the Bystander. We walked up the platform to extreme end in the dark and kissed!…

At R----. Played the negligent flaneur, reclining on the Chesterfield, leaning against the grand piano, or measuring my length on the mat before the fire.

To-morrow I begin duties at the British Museum of Natural History. I cannot quite imagine myself a Museum assistant. Before I get there I know I shall be the…