W. N. P. Barbellion’s diary, 1913

From the drawing-room window I see pass almost daily an old gentleman with white hair, a firm step, broad shoulders, healthy pink skin, a sunny smile--always…

My Aunt, aged 75, who has apparently concluded from my constant absences from Church that my spiritual life is in a parlous way, to-day read me her portion from a…

This Diary reads for all the world as if I were not living in mighty London. The truth is I live in a bigger, dirtier city--ill-health. Ill-health, when chronic, is…

A Confession H---- B---- invited me to tea to meet his fiancée. Rather pleased with the invitation--I don't know why, for my idea of myself is greater than my idea…

... "Now, W----, talk to me prettily," she said as soon as the door was closed on them. "Oh! make him read a book," whined her sister, but we talked of marriage…

News of Scott's great adventure! Scott dead a year ago!! The news, when I saw it to-night in the Pall Mall Gazette gave me cold thrills. I could have wept.... What…

Tried to kiss her in a taxi-cab on the way home from the Savoy--the taxi-cab danger is very present with us--but she rejected me quietly, sombrely. I apologised on…

Walking up the steps to her flat to-night made me pose to H---- (who was with me) as Sydney Carton in the picture in A Tale of Two Cities on the steps of the…

H---- came home last night and told me that she said as he came away, "Tell W---- I hate him." So it's all right. I shall go over to-morrow again--Hurrah! My…

Came home, lay on my bed, still dressed, and ruminated.... First a suspicion then a conviction came to me that I was a cad--a callous, selfish, sensation-hunting…

In bed till 12.30 reading Bergson and the O.T. Over to the flat to supper. E---- was cold and silent. She spurned me. No wonder. I talked volubly and quite…

Work in the evening in our bedroom--two poor miserable bachelors--H---- reading Equity Law, a rug around his legs before an empty grate, while I am sitting at the…

[At a public dinner at the Holborn Restaurant] J----replied to the toast of the Ladies. Feeble! H---- and I stood and had a silent toast to E---- and N---- by just…

To-day went to the B.M. but did very little work. Thought over the matter carefully and decided to ask E---- to marry me. Relief to be able to decide. I was happy…

Had a long conversation with H---- last night. He says all E---- intended to convey was that the quarrel was over.... I felt relieved, because I have no money,…

Went over to see E----. We had an awkward half-an-hour alone together. She was looking bewitching! I am plunging more and more into love. Had it on the tip of my…

We are sitting up in our beds which are side by side in a room on the top story of a boarding house in ---- Road. It is 11.30 p.m. and I am leaning over one one…

Two Months' Sick Leave In a horrible panic--the last few days--I believe I am developing locomotor ataxy. One leg, one arm, and my speech are affected, i.e. the…

I believe there can be no doubt that I have had a slight partial paralysis of my right side (like Dad). I stutter a little in my speech when excited, I cannot write…

Saw M---- again, who said my symptoms were alarming certainly, but he was sure no definite diagnosis could be made.

Went with M---- to see a well-known nerve specialist--Dr. H----. He could find no symptoms of a definite disease, tho' he asked me suspiciously if I had ever been…

At R----. Mugged about all day. Put on a gramophone record--then crawled up into a corner of the large, empty drawing room and ate my heart out. Heart has a bitter…

Sat in the "morning room" feeling ill. In the chair opposite sat Aunt Fanny, aged 86, knitting. I listened to the click of her needles, while out in the garden a…

Before I left R----, A---- [My brother] had written to Uncle enclosing my doctor's letter. I don't know the details except that Dr. M---- emphasised the seriousness…

At Home I made some offensive remark to H---- whom I met in the street. This set him off. "You blighter, I hope you marry a loose woman. May your children be all…

Gardening Sought out H---- as he was watering his petunias in the garden. He informed me he was going to London on Monday. H.: "Mother is coming too." B.: "Why?"…

Death ... I suppose the truth is I am at last broken to the idea of Death. Once it terrified me and once I hated it. But now it only annoys me. Having lived with…

Renunciation Staying at the King's Hotel, ----. Giddiness very bad. Death seems unavoidable. A tumour on the brain? Coming down here in the train, sat in corner of…

Last night the sea was as flat as a pavement, a pretty barque with all her sails out to catch the smallest puff of wind--the tiniest inspiration--was nevertheless…

... I espied her first in the distance and turned my head away quickly and looked out to sea. A moment after, I began to turn my head round again slowly with the…

Spent many dreadful hours cogitating whether to accept their invitation to dinner.... I wanted to go for several reasons. I wanted to see her in a home-setting for…

On the Hill, this morning, felt the thrill of the news of my own Death: I mean I imagined I heard the words,-- "You've heard the news about B----?" Second Voice:…

A New Pile in the Pier Watched some men put a new pile in the pier. There was all the usual paraphernalia of chains, pulleys, cranes, and ropes, with a massive…

Depression Suffering from depression.... The melancholy fit fell very suddenly. All the colour went out of my life, the world was dirty gray. On the way back to my…

The Restlessness of the Sea The restlessness of the sea acts as a soporific on jangled nerves. You gaze at its incessant activities, unwillingly at first because…

My Sense of Touch My sense of touch has always been morbidly acute. I like to feel a cigarette locked in the extreme corner of my mouth. When I remove it from my…

Camping Out at S---- Sands A brilliant summer day. Up early, breakfasted, and, clad in sweater and trousers, walked up the sands to the boathouse with bare feet.…

I am writing this by the lamp in the cabin among the sandhills waiting for H---- to arrive from town with provisions. I wear a pair of bags, a dirty sweater, and go…

In London Again Returned to London very depressed. Am not so well as I was three weeks ago. The sight of one eye is affected, and I am haunted by the possibility of…

Back at work. A terrible day. Thoughts of suicide--a pistol.

I get thro' each day with the utmost difficulty. I have to wrestle with every minute. Each hour is a conquest. The three quarters of an hour at lunch comes as a…

Several times I have gone to bed and hoped I should never wake up. Life grows daily more impossible. To-day I put a slide underneath the microscope and looked at…

Am doing no work at all.... I sit motionless in my chair and beat the devil's tattoo with my thumbs and think, think, think in the same horrible circle hour after…

Over to the flat. She was looking beautiful in a black dress, with a white silk blouse, and a Byron collar, negligently open in front as if a button had come out.…

... It would take too long and I am too tired to write out all the varying phases of this day's life--all its impressions and petty miseries chasing one another…

Thoroughly enjoyed the journey up to town this morning. I secretly gloated over the fact that the train was dashing along over the rails to London bearing me and…

... We talked of men and women, and she said she thought men were neither angels nor devils but just men. I said I thought women were either angels or devils. "I am…

Horribly upset with news from home. Mother is really ill. The Doctor fears serious nerve trouble and says she will always be an invalid. This is awful, poor dear!…

Sat in the gardens with her. We sat facing the sun for a while until she was afraid of developing freckles and turned around, deliberately turning her back on good…

I tried my best, I've sought every loophole of escape, but I am quite unable to avoid the melancholy fact that her thumbs are--lamentable. I am genuinely upset…

A wire from A---- came at 11.50 saying "Darling Mother passed peacefully away yesterday afternoon." ... Yesterday afternoon I was writing Zoology and all last night…

The funeral.

Staying at the Hotel du Guesclin at Cancale near St. Malo with my dear A----. This flood of new experiences has knocked my diary habit out of gear. To be candid,…

Returned to Southampton yesterday. Have spent the night at Okehampton in Devonshire en route for T---- Rectory. This morning we hatched the ridiculous idea of…

Having lived on this planet now for the space of 24 years, I can claim with some cogency that I am qualified to express some sort of opinion about it. I therefore…

In London Again K---- comes in from her dancing class, nods to me, hugs her sister around the neck and says,-- "Oh! you dear thing, you've got a cold." "I shouldn't…

Heard a knock at the door last night, and, thinking it was R----, I unbolted it and let in a tramp who at once asked God to bless me and crown all my sorrow with…

I may be a weak, maundering, vacillating fool but I cannot help loving her on one day, being indifferent the next and on some occasions even disliking her....…

Went to see a Harley Street oculist about the sight of one eye, which has caused a lot of trouble and worry of late and continuously haunted me with the possibility…

The British Museum Reading Room I saw it for the first time to-day! Gadzooks!! This is the only fit ejaculation to express my amazement! It's a pagan temple with…

Having developed a passion for a piece of sculpture by R. Boeltzig called the Reifenwerferin--the most beautiful figure of a woman. I am already devoted to Rodin's…

The other morning R---- said hyperbolically that he hadn't slept all night for fear that, before he had time to put an arresting hand on my shoulder and say…

Ludo We played Ludo together this evening and she won 2s. 6d. Handsomely gowned in black and wearing black ornaments, she sat with me in the lamplight on the sofa…

My Nightmare Can't get rid of my cough. I have so many things to do--I am living in a fever of haste to get them done. Yet this cough hinders me. There is always…

The English Review has returned my Essay!--This is a keen disappointment to me. "I wish I could use this, but I am really too full," the Editor writes. To be…

More Irony Renewed my cold--I do nothing all day but blow my nose, cough, and curse Austin Harrison. M---- thinks the lungs are all right. "There is nothing there,…

Cold better. So back at work--gauging ale at Dunfermline as R---- puts it.

In the evening found it quite impossible to stay in the house any longer: some vague fear drove me out. I was alarmed to be alone or to be still. It is my cough, I…

"Don't be an old fossil," she said to me to-night, irrelevantly. "A propos of what?" I inquired. "Mother, here's W---- proposing to E----! Do come," cried ----,…

Spent a romping day at the Flat. Kissed her sister twice under the mistletoe, and in the evening went to a cinema. After supper made a mock heroic speech and left…