W. N. P. Barbellion’s diary, 1914

... Finally and in conclusion I have fallen ill again, have again resumed my periodical visits to the Doctor, and am swallowing his rat-poison in a blind faith as…

Intending to buy my usual 3d. packet of Goldflakes, entered a tobacconist's in Piccadilly, but once inside surprised to find myself in a classy west-end…

I wonder what this year has in store for me? The first twenty-four years of my life have hunted me up and down the keyboard--I have been right to the top and also…

To-day I have reviewed the situation carefully, exhaustively. I have peered into every aspect of my life and achievements and everything I have seen nauseates me. I…

Am feeling very unwell. My ill-health, my isolation, baulked ambitions, and daily breadwinning all conspire to bring me down. The idea of a pistol and the end of it…

After four days of the most profound depression of spirits, bitterness, self-distrust, despair, I emerged from the cloud to-day quite suddenly (probably the arsenic…

The Entomological Society There were a great many Scarabees present who exhibited to one another poor little pinned insects in collecting-boxes ... It was really a…

A Scots Fir Have been feeling very "down" of late, but yesterday I saw a fine Scots Fir by the roadside--tall, erect, as straight as a Parthenon pillar. The sight…

A Stagnant Day Went to bed late last night so I slept on soundly till 9 a.m. Went down to the bath-room, but found the door was shut, so went back to my bedroom…

Home with a bad influenza cold. In a deplorable condition. The best I could do was to sit by the fire and read newspapers one by one from the first page to the last…

H----'s wedding. Five minutes before time, I am told I made a dramatic entry into the church clad in an audaciously light pair of Cashmere trousers, lemon-coloured…

... If I am to admit the facts they are that I eagerly anticipate love, look everywhere for it, long for it, am unhappy without it. She fascinates me--admitted. I…

A Humble Confession The Hon. ----, son and heir of Lord ----, to-day invited me to lunch with him in ---- Square. He's a handsome youth of twenty-five, with fair…

Miss ---- heard me sigh to-day and asked what it might mean. "Only the sparks flying upward," I answered lugubriously. A blackguard is often unconscious of a good…

A Foolish Bird With a menacing politeness, B---- to-day inquired of a fat curate who was occupying more than his fair share of a seat on top of a 'bus,-- "Are you…

Developed a savage fit. Up to a certain point, perhaps, but beyond that anxiety changes into recklessness--you simply don't care. The aperients are causing…

Bad heart attack all day. Intermittency is very refined torture to one who wants to live very badly. Your pump goes a "dot and carry one," or say "misses a stitch,"…

In a very cheerful mood. Pleased with myself and everybody till a seagull soared overhead in Kensington Gardens and aroused my vast capacities for envy--I wish I…

In L---- with my brother, A----. The great man is in great form and very happy in his love for N----. He is a most delightful creature and I love him more than any…

R---- outlined an impression he had in Naples one day during a sirocco of the imminence of his own death. It was evidently an isolated experience and bored me a…

Went to see the Irish Players in The Playboy. Sitting in front of me was a charming little Irish girl accompanied by a male clod with red-rimmed eyes like a…

Rushed off to tell R---- about my little Irish girl. Her face has been "shadowing" me all day.

A violent argument with R---- re marriage. He says Love means appropriation, and is taking the most elaborate precautions to forfend passion--just as if it were a…

My ironical fate lured me this evening into another discussion on marriage in which I had to take up a position exactly opposite to the one I defended yesterday…

Some days ago sent a personal advertisement to the newspaper to try to find my little Irish girl who lives at Notting Hill Gate. To-day they return me the money and…

Lupus It is raining heavily. I have just finished dinner. In the street an itinerant musician is singing dolefully, "O Rest in the Lord." In my dirty little sitting…

Measuring Lice Spent the day measuring the legs and antennæ of lice to two places of decimals! To the lay mind how fantastic this must seem! Indeed, I hope it is…

Prof. Geo. Saintsbury's book on Elizabethan literature amuses me. George, there can be no doubt, is a very refined, cultivated fellow. I bet he don't eat…

... I placed the volume on the mantelpiece as if it were a bottle of physic straight from my Dispensary, and I began to expostulate and expound, as if she were a…

At the Albert Hall Went with R---- to the Albert Hall to the Empress of Ireland Memorial Concert with massed bands. We heard the Symphonie Pathétique, Chopin's…

Dinosaurs There are books which are Dinosaurs--Sir Walter Raleigh's History of the World, Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. There are men who are…

Sunset in Kensington Gardens The instinct for worship occurs rhythmically--at morning and evening. This is natural, for twice a day at sunrise and sunset--however…

Have finished my essay. But am written out--obviously. To-night I struggled with another, and spent two hours sucking the end of my pen. But after painfully…

For a walk with R---- in the country, calling for tea at his Uncle's house at ----. Played clock golf and made the acquaintance of Miss ----, a tall, statuesque…

While sketching under Hammersmith Bridge yesterday, R---- heard a whistle, and, looking up, saw a charming "young thing" leaning over the Bridge parapet smiling…

The B.M. is a ghastly hole. They will give me none of the apparatus I require. If you ask the Trustees for a thousand pounds for the propagation of the Gospel in…

To a pedantic prosy little old maid who was working in my room this morning, I exclaimed,-- "I'd sooner make a good dissection than go to a Lord Mayor's Banquet.…

All Europe is mobilising.

Will England join in?

We all await the result of a battle between two millions of men. The tension makes me feel physically sick.

In bed with a fever. I never visit the flat now, but her mother kindly came over to see me.

[Living now in rooms alone.] I have--since my return from Cornwall--placed all my journals in a specially made cabinet. R---- came to dinner and after a glass or so…

Doctor's Consulting Rooms--my life has been spent in them! Medical specialists--Harley Street men--I have seen four and all to no purpose. M---- wrote me the other…

To me woman is the wonderful fact of existence. If there be any next world and it be as I hope it is, a jolly gossiping place, with people standing around the…

Since I grew up I have wept three times. The first time they were tears of exasperation. Dad and I were sitting down side by side after a wordy combat in which he…

Am better to-day. My better self is convinced that it is silly and small-minded to think so much about my own puny destiny--especially at times like these when--God…

Spent the evening in my lodgings struggling with my will. Too flabby to work, disinclined to read, a dreadful vague unrest possessing me. I couldn't sit still in my…

Marie Bashkirtseff Some time ago I noticed a quotation from one, Marie Bashkirtseff in a book on Strindberg, and was struck with the likeness to a sentiment of my…

A man is always looking at himself in the mirror if for no other reason than to tie his tie and brush his hair. What does he think of his face? He must have private…

I myself (licking a stamp): "The taste of gum is really very nice." R.: "I hate it." I: "My dear fellow" (surprised and entreating), "envelope gum is simply…

I expressed to R---- to-day my admiration for the exploit of the brave and successful Submarine Commander Max Kennedy Horton. (Name for you!) R---- was rather cold.…

Went to Mark Lane by train, then walked over the Tower Bridge, and back along Lower Thames Street to London Bridge, up to Whitechapel, St. Paul's, Fleet Street, and…

Too Late Yesterday's ramble has left me very sore in spirit. London was spread out before me, a vast campagne. But I felt too physically tired to explore. I could…

Rigor Bordis Rigor bordis!--I write like this as if it were a light matter. But to-night I was in extremis.... First I read the paper; then I finished the book I…

A lurid day. Suffering from the most horrible physical languor. Wrote the Doctor saying I was rapidly sliding down a steep place into the sea (like the swine I am).…

In the evening asked her to be my wife. She refused. Once perhaps ... but now.... I don't think I have any moral right to propose to any woman seeing the state of…

Very miserable. Asked R---- three times to come and have dinner with me. Each time he refused. My nerves are completely jangled. Tu l'as voulu, George…

She observed me carefully--I'm looking a perfect wreck --tu l'as voulu, George Dandin--but it's mainly ill-health and not on her account. I said,-- "Some things are…

Horrible nervous depression. Thinking of suicide with a pistol--a Browning. Or of 10 days' mysterious disappearance, when I will go and live in a good Hotel, spend…

Still thinking of suicide. It seems the only way out. This morning my Essay was returned by the Editor of ----. One by one I have been divested of all my most…

Before going over to-night bought London Opinion deliberately in order to find a joke or better still some cynicism about women to fire off at her. Rehearsed one…

I might be Captain Scott writing his last words amid Antarctic cold and desolation. It is very cold. I am sitting hunched up by the fire in my lodgings after a meal…

Still at home ill. If anything, R---- is more of a précieux than I am myself. At the present moment he is tickling himself with the idea that he's in love with a…

Great physical languor, especially in the morning. It is Calvary to get out of bed and shoulder the day's burden. "What's been the matter?" they ask. "Oh! senile…

Rodin More than once lately have been to see and admire Rodin's recent gifts to the nation exhibited at the Victoria and Albert Museum. The "Prodigal Son" is…

This evening she promised to be my wife after a long silent ramble together thro' dark London squares and streets! I am beside myself!

I know now--I love her with passion. Health and ambition and sanity are returning. Projects in view:-- (1) To make her happy and myself worthy. (2) To get married.…

Have so many projects in view and so little time in which to get them done! Moreover I am always haunted by the fear that I may never finish them thro' physical or…

... I shook her angrily by the shoulders to-night and said, "Why do I love you?--Tell me," but she only smiled gently and said, "I cannot tell...." I ought not to…

Sir Henry Wood conducting Went to the Queen's Hall, sat in the Orchestra and watched Sir Henry's statuesque figure conducting thro' a forest of bows, "which pleased…

My rooms are littered with old concert programmes and the Doctor's prescriptions (in the yellow envelopes of the dispenser) for my various ailments and diseases,…

Petticoat Lane This morning, being Sunday, went to Petticoat Lane and enjoyed myself. On turning the corner to go into Middlesex Street, as it it now called, the…

A Conversation "There is that easily calculable element in your nature, dear boy," I said, "by which you forego the dignity of a free-willed human being and come…