Katherine Mansfield’s diary, 1920

J. prepares to go. Drying figs on the stove, and white socks drying from the mantelpiece. A dish of oranges and rain-wet leaves — a pack of cards on the table. It…

J. left for London. The house very empty and quiet. I was ill all day — exhausted. In the after- noon fell asleep over my work and missed the post. My heart won't…

A load of wood. Sent review. Cold day. Miss S. called — deadly dull. Her yawn and recovery. Storm of wind and rain. I had nightmare about J. He and I * separated/…

Cold, wet, windy, terrible weather. Fought it all day. Horribly depressed. D. came to tea ; but it was no good. Worked. Two wires from J. According to promise. I…

Nuit blanche. Decided at 3 a.m. that D. was a homicidal maniac. Certain of this. Started my story, * Late Spring.' A cold bitter day. Worked on Tchehov all day and…

Black day. Dark, no sky to be seen ; a livid sea; a noise of boiling in the air. Dreamed the cats died of anti-pneumonia. Heart attack 8 a.m. Awful day. No relief…

On the verandah. I don't want a God to praise or to entreat, but to share my vision with. This afternoon looking at the primula after the rain. I want no one to…

Black. A day spent in Hell. Unable to do anything. Took brandy. Determined not to weep — wept. Sense of isolation frightful. I shall die if I don't escape.…

Black. Another of them. In the afternoon Foster came and agreed I must leave here. Somehow or other I wrote a column. Broke my watch glass. In the evening L.M. and…

Spent the evening writing another col- umn. Help me, God ! And then L. M. came in to say I was half-an-hour slow. Just did it in time. Had talk with L.M. Our…

Worked from 9.30 till a quarter after midnight only stopping to eat. Finished the story. Lay awake then until 5.30 too excited to sleep. In the sea drowned souls…

Posted the story and a telegram. Very tired. The sea howled and boomed and roared away. When will this cup pass from me? Oh, misery! I can- not sleep. I lie…

Bad day. A curious smoky effect over the coast. I crawled and crept about the garden in the afternoon. I feel terribly weak and all the time on the verge of…

Foster came: says my lung is remarkably better, but must rest absolutely for two months and not attempt to walk at all. I have got a " bigger chance." Bell rang at…

Sat in my room watching the day change to evening. The fire like a golden stag. Thinking of the fast always ; dreaming it over. The cotton plant has turned yellow.…

Wrote and sent reviews. Stayed in bed, worked. Had a bath. The day was very lovely. I had to work hard. In the evening began my new story " A Strange Mistake." l…

No letters : strike still on. A fine day. But what is that to me? I am an invalid. I spend my life in bed. Read Shakespeare in the morning. I feel I can- not bear…

No letters or papers. V. came; and Mrs. V. and Miss S. in white. " The trouble Fve had with you, Mrs. Murry, and the expense it's put me to — more fuss than if…

Washed my hair. L.M. out all day. Here alone — a perfect day. I wandered in the garden. . . . There was a ship, white and solid on the water. Over- coat…

A day like a dream. V.'s hair, stick, jacket, teeth, tie — all to be remembered. " To use a volgarism, I'm fed up." The journey — the flowers — these women here.…

Saw the doctor: a fool. The Casetta left to itself: the little winds blowing, the shutters shut, the cotton plant turning yellow. Spent a tiring morn- ing. My heart…

Saw two of the doctors — an ass, and an ass. Spent the day at my window. It was very lovely and fair. But I was trying to work all day and could not get down to it.…

Cousin C. brought the tiny dog to see me — a ravishing animal. The same despairing desire to work, and could not work. I suppose I started review- ing T. nine or…

The meals here are a horror. I seem to be sitting hours and hours there, and the people are ugly. Nevertheless, thank God I am here, in sound of the train, in reach…

Felt ill with fatigue and cold and my lungs hurt. It is because I am not working. All is a bit of a nightmare for that reason. My temper is so bad ! I feel I am…

The woman who does the massage is not really any good. My life is queer here. I like my big airy room, but to work is so hard. At the back of my mind I am so…

I shall not remember what happened on this day. It is a blank. At the end of my life I may want it, may long to have it. There was a new moon : that I remember. But…

1 tried all day to work and feel dog-tired. Perhaps it's the massage. Jinnie came to see me and brought me a present from her little dog.

Changed my room for this other. I prefer it. It is more snug and there is only one bed.

My room is horrible. Very noisy: a con- stant clatter and a feeling as though it were doorless. French people don't care a hang how much noise they make. I hate…

Went for a little walk in the garden and saw all the pale violets. The beauty of palm trees. I fell in love with a tree. Japonica is a lovely flower, but people…

Horrible day. I lay all day and half slept in this new way — hearing voices.

Went for a drive. All the way gay. The house and the girl. Couldn't work: slept again. Dread- ful pain in joints. Fearfully noisy house! Saw an orange-tree, an…

Determined to review two books to-day and to get on with " Second Helping." Saw the fool of a doctor to-day. Diddle-dum-dum-dee ! Cod is the only word! Bad-in-age!…

House in a perfect uproar. Dreadfully nervous. Dressmaker came and her little apprentice who gave me the flowers. Had a bath — but all was in a tearing hurry and…

To Villa Flora. In the garden with the un- happy woman lying on the hard bench. The Spanish brocade cloth — the piece of heliotrope. Jinnie's plan that I shall go…

Oh, to be a writer, a real writer given up to it and to it alone! Oh, I failed to-day; I turned back, looked over my shoulder, and immediately it happened, I felt…

Easter eggs in the folded napkins. A Happy Easter. We drink to absent friends, but carelessly, not knowing whether to bow or no.

Cold and windy. Out of the window the writh- ing palms — the dust — the woman with a black veil. I feel I must live alone, alone, alone — with artists only to touch…

1 never can remember what happens. It is so without outline. " Yesterday " falls into the general shade. But all the time one looks back and there are wonders.…

Went to the fish museum at Monaco. Must remember the bubbles as the man plunged the rod into the tanks. The young girl. How naice! Young girls make me feel forty.…

I cough and cough, and at each breath a dragging, boiling, bubbling sound is heard. I feel that my whole chest is boiling. I sip water, spit, sip, spit. I feel I…

" And if a man will consider life in its whole circuit, and see how superabundantly it is furnished with what is extra-ordinary and beautiful and great, he shall…

I should like to have a secret code to put on record what I feel to-day. If I forget it, may my right hand forget its cunning . . . the lifted curtain . . . the…

The daughter of the watch-smith. Her piano-playing. Her weak heart, queer face, queer voice, awful clothes. The violets in their garden. Her little mother and…

She is little and grey with periwinkle — I feel inclined to write peritwinkle — blue eyes and swift, sweeping gestures. Annette said she is " une personne tres…

No, there is no danger of for- getting.

The baby became covered with ink- spots and served as a little reminder for days of the things she had forgotten to say and the things she might have said so…

When I stuck the small drawing to the side of the mirror frame I realised that the seal — the mark — the cachet rouge — had been set on the room. It had then become…