13 February 1922 – 19 February 1922

Felt ill all day. Feeling of violent con- fusion in my body and head. I feel more ill now than ever, so it seems. J. went out and bought a tea-pot and so on; arranged a game of chess and we started playing. But the pains in my back and so on make my prison almost unendurable. I manage to get up, to dress, to make a show of getting to the restaurant and back without being discovered. But that is literally all. The rest is rather like being a beetle shut in a book, so shackled that one can do nothing but lie down. And even to lie down becomes a kind of agony. The worst of it is I have again lost hope. I don't, I can't believe this will change. I have got off the ship again and am swept here and there by the sea.

Another hellish day. But J. found some pastilles which help my throat, and it seemed to me they had a calming effect on my heart. I had one of my perfect dreams. I was at sea, sailing with my parasol opened to just a ' freshet ' of wind. Heavenly the sea, the sky, the land — parasol pink — boat pale pink. If I could only get over my discouragement! But who is going to help with that! Now that L.M. is going I have more to do — all my clothes and so on to put away and pull out, as well as a bowl or two to wash. The effort uses what remains of my strength. By 5 o'clock I am finished and must go to bed again. It is a very dull day. The canaries sing. I have been reading Bunin's stories. He is not a sympathetic soul, but it is good to read him ... he carries one away.

Went to the clinique. I felt that all was wrong there. M. was distrait and a little angry. D. as usual sailed over everything. But that means noth- ing. It seemed to me there had been some trouble or some trouble was brewing. The servant there is a very beautiful plump woman with a ravishing smile. Her eyes are grey. She curls her hair in a small fringe and she wears a little grey shawl, an apron, and a pair of rather high boots; stepping lightly, with one small plump hand holding the shawl, she opens the door.