29 September–5 October 1856

Woke up at nine in a temper. V al£rya is incompetent both in practical and in spiritual life. I told her only the disagreeable part of what I wished to say and therefore it did not act on her. I was angry. They led the conversation up to Mortier, and it turns out she is in love with him. Strange, it offended me. I felt ashamed for myself and for her, but for the first time I experienced something like feeling for her. Read Werthe .* Enchant- ing. Auntie did not send for me and I spent another night there.

Got up early. Am well. Laughed at Vaterya and left. At home felt much dispirited. Found N. I. here but could do nothing. Thought much about Val&rya. Should like to write or say that she should go to Moscow. Fell asleep during the day but slept badly.

Woke up still out of spirits. After midnight my side again began to ache without any evident cause. Did nothing, but God be thanked thought less about Vaterya. I am not in love, but this bond will always play an important part in my life. But what if I have not yet known love, then, judging by this small beginning which I feel now, I shall experience it with terrible force and God forbid that it should be for V aterya. She is terribly shallow, without principle, and cold as ice, so she is always being carried away. Wrote to Kovatevski and sent in my resignation yesterday.

Health better but still doubtful. Received a sad note from Mile. Vergani in the morning. Answered it, suggesting that Valerya should go to Moscow. Did nothing.

§Went hunting and killed three hares. When I got home I found a note from Olga Ars^neva and went to them. Was angry and morose.

Went hunting, killed three. Did nothing.