19–25 October 1857

In the morning busied myself. Dined at the Club — dull, and I am not well. Evening at* the Aksakovs’. A disgusting literary atmosphere.

Fet came — good-natured. He assumes pretension as a literary man. Sukhotln, Ryabfnin, Aksakov, Makarov. Dined with Makarov alone. In the morning was at the Perfflevs*. I did not like Virenka. Yesterday I was at the Sushkovs’ and the Sukhotins’. Real towers ! Did not like either of them ; also saw Vaterya. Was only dull.

In the morning decided about the lodging, went out, dined with Fet. He, too, is ambitious and poor. With him to the Aksakovs’. To the theatre and to the Ars&ievs’. Yesterday was at the Behrs’.1 Lyu- bochka is awful — bald and feeble. Misfortunes from all sid^. And, O Lord, how old I am ! Everything bores me, nothing disgusts me, I can even put up with myself 'but feel cold towards everything. I don’t desire anything but am prepared to drag along the joyless tow-rope of &iistence. But I don’t know what it is for. What is aar.jUshing is not that God decrees that a bit of bread should be his son’s flesh : it is a hundred thousand times stranger that we liv^ on — not knowing what for ; that we love the good — yet on nothing is it written : “ This is good, that is evil ”.

Took the train for Petersburg — almost missed it. The Arsenevs and Talyzin are there. I don’t rnuch like him. In the morning went to the Minister, saw Zelenoy, and for some reason became confused. To Nekrisov-Mifficult. To Annenkov, nice. Dined at the Club with Kovatevski. In the evening at the Tolstdys’. Alexandrine is delightful ! A joy and a consolation. I have never seen any woman who reached to her knee. A. JJ. in the evening ; it is too late, she has wrinkles.

Zelenby again. Things move with diffi- culty. In the morning at Alexandrine’s. Dined at Nekrdsov’s — gloomy. The evening, I think, at the Arsenevs’ and Druzhfnin’s.

Was too late to go to Minaev’s. The morning at Shevich’s and Nekrasov’s. Dined at the Arsenevs’ and with them to the theatre — enjoyed the Miserere in II Trovatore . Morning at A. P.’s.

At Bliidova’s in the morning. Dined at the Tolstdys’ and spent the evening at Saltykdv’s.