5–11 December 1853

My cold and headache do not pass. Have twice been unreasonable enough to go shooting (with Sulimdvski). The day before yesterday Alexeev returned. Yesterday I began An Artilleryman's Notes , but have written nothing to-day. Have finished Karamzin’s History. With the shape of a hand — especially a beautiful one — the idea of power is somehow associated. Sometimes when looking at a beautiful hand one thinks : “ What if I were dependent on that man ? ” Borrowed 28 rubles from Alexeev. A man who lives without physical work and on fancies has no youth. One imagines oneself still young in order to enjoy oneself, and before one has time to enjoy oneself finds that one is already getting on in years. Boris Godunov built fortresses in Daghestan — at T6rki on the island of Tozldk (in the lake) and at Buynak. The Romanov family descends from Andrey Kob^la, an immigrant from Prussia in the eleventh century. His descendant, Roman Ytfrev, was the father of Anastasiya, the first wife of Ivan the Terrible and the grandfather of Michael. In 1785 a Turkish immigrant, Sheik Manour, incited the first rising in the Caucasus. In 1791 he was taken prisoner at the capture of the Anapa, and exiled to the Solovets Monastery. A Nogay Aib has treated my throat with a powder of oak-apples. He is convinced that the smooth oak-apples are good for men, and the bumpy ones for women. Read Pfsemski’s story, The Forest- Demon. What affected language and what an improbable setting ! George Sand : Si une femme d' esprit riestpas originate elle est michante. On the plea of sickness I grow negligent over my work, and the evil increases, at least the moral sickness (anxiety) if not the physical, while one should rather try to check it by being orderly. Morning and waking up incline one to make plans, to be self-confident, and to hope for success. I drank vodka and lied. One should get used to the thought that one cannot live for pleasure but must live only to be useful. Pleasure will come of itself. As I was being shaved to-day I vividly imagined how a mortal wound inflicted on one who is already wounded would instantly change his state of mind — from one of despair to acquiescence. Alexeev while listening to my stories suddenly exclaimed with genuine feeling : u What a condition mine is — to have lived to the age of forty and to have no memories ”, and then he suddenly began to fib, to invent, and to make up recollections. Sulimdvski with his usual rudeness told me how Pistolkdrs abuses me on account of Rosenkranz. This greatly distressed me and cooled my desire for literary work, but the announcement in the Contemporary for 1854 aroused it again.