Leo Tolstoy’s diary, 1853

Went forward with the Division ; feel happy and well.

Drank at Chervtenna, and reached Grdzny where my brother got awfully drunk to-day. Am happy and well.

Again did nothing all day, did not even think. It was unpleasant, as it always is, in Grozny. Am impatient to go into action.

Stupid people. All — especially my brother — drink, and it is very unpleasant for me. War is such an unjust and evil thing that those who wage it try to stifle…

The morning was muddled ; in the evening Knoring arrived drunk, with Besk6t, and brought some porter. I got tipsy. The officers from Tengfnsk turned up with some…

This morning I told him that I had been drunk, and apologised for what I had said ; he w- s so absurd that he replied, “ I pardon you ; you were yourself to blame…

Have carried out my intention. Yanovich readily apologised ; but no one can know what an effort it cost me to speak to him again on the matter. The officers are…

Rode out to get firewood. The weather is wretched and I have caught a cold. In the evening I wrote fairly well. My head aches. Am very anxious to be active.

Did nothing. Chatted with Yanushke- vich and told him of my intention to resign my turn for promotion to him, if there is to be a promotion. Must write. Am…

The officers, little by little, are ceasing to scowl. Have been stupid enough to lose six rubles at preference and wanted to play at bank. I haven’t a farthing. I…

My throat has been aching, but on the 14th I got drunk with Arin^vski. Am neither gay nor dull. Played to-day for trifling sums, but the bump of play is developing.…

Took a walk in the morning. Buemski, whom I no longer like, was here. The kunaks weary me. Am driving Balta away. Wrote a little. It is curious that having thought…

My life is extremely disorderly, so that I do not recognise myself and am ashamed to live like this. Played cards, lost 40 rubles, and shall play again. Am…

Wrote a little, but so negligently, super- ficially, and scantily, that it came to nothing. My mental capacities have become blunted by this aimless and disorderly…

Spent yesterday rather better ; ttill, I went to Zakhar with Balta. Ogolin lost at cards,' and now I feel awkward with him. Stiegelmann is leaving, and I have been…

We marched from Grozny to Kurfnski without an action. We were there for two weeks, and afterwards camped on the Kochkolykov ridge. On the 1 6th there was an…

I have not been given the Cross and have been under arrest, thanks to Olifer. Consequently, service in the Caucasus has brought me nothing except difficulties,…

It is long since I wrote anything. Reaching Starogladov at the beginning of April, I have continued living as I had been living on campaign — like a gambler who…

Got up early and wanted to write, but was lazy ; besides, the story I have begun does not attract me. There is no worthy person in it whom I can love. There was,…

I got up early, read something of Avdeev’s, The Flying Snake , and wrote fairly well. The plan of my story is only now beginning to present itself clearly. I think…

(Easter Day.) Did not go to Church but, breaking my fast, ate kulich which had been blessed. Did nothing all day. Played at Bar with some boys and the officers. ...…

Spent all these days like the first, played at Bar , admired the girls, and once got drunk at Zhuk^vich’s. I have finished the rough draft of Christmas Eve and will…

Have spent nearly the whole day (except playing at Bar ) writing, but got hardly anything written, and what I did was badly done. ... It is the last day of the…

Got up early, wrote little and badly, and went to sleep after dinner. The kundks prevented my writing after dinner. In the evening wrote a little. The story will be…

Got up early, could write nothing, and was unwell all day. The kundks and my company bothered me to play with them. I have received the magazine containing my…

Wrote very little, but was in good spirits. I lack the habit of work. Nikolenka is leaving to-morrow and was particularly amiable.

Went shooting but was unsuccessful. Wrote nothing. Sulimovski, in my presence, told Oksana that I was in love with her. I ran out quite confused. Must pay attention…

Rose early and wrote a little. Am writing merely to finish what is begun. Passed the day idly. Groman is a fool. Slept after dinner, wrote in the evening. . . .

Didn’t write ; nothing particular happened. Played and bathed. Was nearly drunk. Went hunting.

Nothing particular. Money, 40 rubles for the story, received by post. To-day wrote a good deal ; altered, shortened some of it, and gave the story its final form. I…

Have done nothing these seven days. Was at birdie’s and drank, though several times I wished to stop. My brother left to-day. Have received letters from Nikolenka,…

. . . It’s bad ! Have let myself deterio- rate very much. Have abandoned the story and am writing Boyhood with the same eagerness with which I wrote Childhood . I…

Nothing special at all. Wrote little, but on the other hand, have finally planned out Boyhood and Youth , which I hope to finish. To-day Alexeev sent me a paper in…

Wrote a good deal and easily. The thought of my remaining debts occurred to me and disturbed me much. Must economise to pay them all. That is essential for my peace…

Wrote nothing all day. The Story of Karl Ivdnych proves difficult. Played with the boys, and they are growing impudent ; I have been spoiling them. Supped at…

For nearly a month have written nothing. During that time I went with my kundks to Vozdvf- zhensk. Played cards, and lost Sultan (a horse). I was almost taken…

Received a letter to-day from Serezha in which he writes me that Prince Gorchakov wished to write about me to Vorontsov, and I also received the paper relating to…

Got up late though I woke early. Arslan Khan hindered me. Began to write, but everything comes out washy and incoherent, probably because I had not thought it out —…

Got up late, but wrote Boyhood in the morn- ing well enough. Did not ask Alexeev for money. After dinner till well on in the evening I read and considered Notes of…

Wrote well in the morning. The boys hindered me before dinner. Asked for money. Did not find . Epishka was away. After dinner did nothing. In the morning I had…

Behaved well in the morning, but after dinner did nothing. The plan I had thought out so well for the Notes of an Officer in the Caucasus seems unsatis- factory,…

Got up early, wrote little. Again doubts and laziness. My head ached. Slept and played at Bar. Felt abashed before F. and F. Drank with B. and F. M., and was rather…

Was beginning to write — I. V. interrupted and persuaded me to go haymaking. Was active all day, and worked. That would be very good if I hadn’t drunk much, hadn’t…

Got up late. Wrote well in the morning. After dinner could do nothing. Wanted to take part in a raid ; visited Averianov. Slept, and in a dream read a wonderful…

Got up late. Wrote well, but was interrupted by Barashkin. After dinner continued writing. Went shooting and killed six pheasants. Received letters from Nikdlenka…

Was feverish yesterday. Alexdev came and talked about my service ; this agitated me so that I spent all day writing a letter to Brimmer and think I wrote it well.…

Got up late. Wrote well, but little. Spent all the afternoon with the boys. Am too frank ; have just been chatting about religion with Grisha. Must write Boyhood…

In the morning we hunted at Kurdyfiki, but from false shame I did not behave as I wished to. Drank and lied. Stiegelmann came and unconsciously flattered* me…

In the morning wrote, but badly and inatten- tively ; many thoughts but futile ones. All the same got on a little. After dinner went shooting. Drank very much but…

Got up late, started writing, but did not get on : am much dissatisfied with my aimless and disorderly life. Read Profession de foi d'un vicaire Savoyard and — as…

Left Starogladov without the least regret. On the road Arkhan sickened me to death. On reaching Pyatigorsk I found Masha launched into this society. This was…

Yesterday wrote in the morning, dined at Masha’s, after dinner went home and slept till the morning. Wrote for five hours. The end of Boyhood is within sight — that…

Got up late, had excellent thoughts and wrote well, but little. Nikolenka came. Read him what I had written, and it seems good. Dined at Masha’s, slept there, went…

Got up late. Nik61enka interrupted me. Had scarcely begun to write when we went to Misha’s and I stopped there all day. I went to Christiani’s concert. Poor stuff.…

Wrote nothing this morning, and spent the evening uselessly at Masha’s. But had a pleasant chat in the evening with B. about husbandry, which interests me. It is…

Have spent the day well : slept, read a stupid novel, Precaution , and an excellent novel by Pigault Lebrun Les Barons de Pelsheim , but I wrote nothing. In the…

Got up at eleven ; dined at home and wrote a good deal, so that I have finished Boyhood , but it is still too carelessly done. Slept at Masha’s. It is now 4*…

Valeryan is at Essentriki. Masha is decidedly coquetting. Did nothing. Have a headache and am going tf> bed.

Have rewritten the first chapter decently. Was not long at Masha’s. Work, work. How happy I feel .whan. I exert, myself..

Rose at eight, corrected the first chapter, but wrote nothing all day. Read Claude Genoux. Went to Masha, where it was very dull. Bdlka is lost. Have received a…

Except some three hours spent on the boulevard, I worked all day ; but only re-wrote a chapter and a half. The New View is forced, but The Storm is excellent. I…

In the morning re-wrote little, went to Masha, who was not at home. Dined at the Naytakis, where they allow me credit. Returned home and finished the chapter, The…

Did nothing. The pretty women on the boulevard have too great an effect on me. The Naytakis’ attract and cause idleness. Yesterday Teodorfna with wonderful charm…

Twenty-five years old all but one month. Wrote nothing. In the morning read a stupid novel. After dinner chatted without any pleasure. To-morrow visit the gallery.…

I do nothing but read a stupid novel. Went this morning to the gallery. Bathed twice at Mermet’s.

This morning Valeryan brought me 200 rubles. I sent 50 to Alexeev, lent 50 to Valeryan, paid 8 for my lodging, for food 1-50, 2-50 to the Naytakis, 3 to Nikolenka,…

Did nothing. Went to the fair, bought a fc galled horse for 24 rubles, slept, went back to the fair by the boulevard. ... I feel as if I shall be ill. To-morrow…

Reached Zheleznovodsk and exchanged .the horse. The first day I drank with Fdlkner and Valeryan. Teodorfna is in love with me. I do not feel dull. I take the baths.…

Did nothing all day, but to-morrow will write. Teodorfna is very much in love with me. Must take some decision. I confess it comforts me. To- morrow morning write…

In the morning wrote a little of Youth , the treatment positively leaves me no time. Besides, I am idle. It is getting worse and worse with Teodorfna. To- morrow I…

Did nothing. Did not have an explanation with Teodorfna. Thfc pining all Kafl memories of my .life recyrred to my mind ; Helke, Baryitinski, Levin, my debts and all…

Rode to Kislovodsk, bathed at Narzin,* dined, slept, and walked about till evening. Next day (the 10th) bathed twice and played prifirence till evening. Winning…

On the score of illness have done nothing all day. My throat is really worse and I have been feverish all day, so that my head refuses to work.

Ill all day, read Madeleine , and was bled.

Still feel ill in the evenings. Am doing nothing. Rode to the aoul to-day. Indecision, idleness.

Health rather better. Nothing special, always the same. To-morrow get up early, drink the waters, and then write Boyhood till dinner. After dinner, before the…

Did nothing. Decided to throw up Youth but to continue the novel and write the Caucasian Stories. The cause of my idleness is that I cannot write with any…

Did nothing, but all the same I want to go on with Youth. Looked straight at the moon. 2 Gave Zakhar a ruble and 10 kopeks for a roll, 5 kopeks for a water-melon,…

Gave Zakhar 1*50, 20 kopeks for oats, 50 for wine, total 2*20 rubles, leaving 18*15 rubles. Did nothing but play patience. . . . Abominable. I hope from to-morrow…

Three rubles to cabman, 50 kopeks for wine, 20 kopeks for vodka, 15 kopeks for hay, 1*50 rubles to Nikita, total 5*45, leaving 12-70. Began a Cossack story in the…

50 kopdks for wine, 20 to Nikita, 5 for hay, total 85 kopeks. Gave 3-50 and 1-35. Wrote The Fugitive in the morning, slept after dinner, and will write in the…

From Valeryan have received 24 rubles 80, making 33 rubles 21 now in hand. Worked all day, but still found no time for the novel. On Saturdays will correct what I…

I rode to Pyatigorsk and wrote hardly anything. I don’t seem to get on with The Meeting , and there was no time left for Youth.

Accompanied Nikolenka and D . . . ov, and again did nothing and wanted . . . and to play cards.

Did absolutely nothing and am unwell. To-morrow I shall go to Kislovodsk. To Ogdlin 5 rubles, for a telescope 3, to the laundress 3, to Zakhar 2, to the hotel ij,…

Have been to Kislovodsk. Teodorlna is too simple. I am sorry for her. I did nothing these two days, but read all morning. Yesterday I had news that the harvest is…

Struggled with idleness. To-day wrote a little. Chatted in the evenings with Valeryan. Have 5 rubles left. Am satisfied with myself about everything except idleness.

Did nothing. Chatted with Masha, made plans for our living together in Moscow. Idleness, and the consciousness of idleness, torment me terribly. To-morrow will work…

Valeryan and Masha have left. Wrote in the morning and evening, but only a little. Cannot master my idleness. Have planned writing a chapter at a sitting and not…

Got up late. Finished the History of Karl Ivanych before dinner. After dinner strolled about. Went into the church, where I felt much depressed, then on the…

Felt terribly dull in the morning. After dinner walked, went to Bukovski’s and to Klunnikov’s. Then had an idea : Reminiscences of a Billiard-Marker — wonderfully…

Finished the rough draft, and in the evening made a fair copy of a sheet. I write with such enthusiasm that it is even distressing. My heart fails, and I tremble on…

Wrote in the morning and went without dinner. Went for a walk. Masha and Valeryan arrived. Smyshlyaev was there till 8 o’clock, and I did nothing. Wrote from 8 till…

Am a brick and work excellently. Have finished. Went for a ride with Drozdov. Smysh- lyaev promises me money.

Did nothing all day. Wrote a letter to Nekrasov. Read my article to Masha in the morning and in the evening went to Smyshlyaev’s.

To-day began to write, but laziness overpowered me. In the evening went to Smyshlyaev’s and wrote verses. Humour is possible only when a man is convinced that his…

These last two days I have written only a little of Boyhood. If I took to it, it could be finished in a week. . . .

Did nothing, and to-day only wrote a small chapter. I gadded about. . . . Stupid ! ! ! Yesterday I wrote a reply to Liberich and one to F^rzen.

Did nothing. Cannot write. Read my story to Valeryan. It will positively all have to be altered, but the idea itself is remarkable. Planned to write verses this…

In the morning wrote a chapter of Boyhood well. After dinner rode on horseback from 6 till 8. ... In Grandmother' s Deaths I have devised a characteristic trait :…

Both yesterday and to-day wrote a chapter, but not carefully.

Wrote a chapter of Boyhood. Got up at 5 o’clock. The whole of Boyhood presents itself to me in a new light and I want to re-arrange it. Valeryan and Masha are…

Have thought of getting myself trans- ferred. Wrote letters and a report. Saw Valeryan and M&sha off. . . . Am terribly depressed. To-morrow will try to get rid of…

Morning, went to see the Prince, who again said unpleasant things to me, and for some hours I felt upset. After dinner read Profession de foi , and remem- bered the…

Have received money and have applied for leave of absence. I have given my horse to a Cossack lad. I did not take 3*90 from Teodorfna because she seemecj very…

On the road.

On the road.

Arrived. Alexeev received me well. Zdev seems to be a simple and good lad. Have put up at Epfshka’s.

Got up before dawn and began to write, but chucked it. Played cards for £ kop^k points. Went to hunt, wrote letters to Maslov and Barashkin. Killed two pheasants.…

In the morning wrote a little, read Golov- nfn with pleasure. Dined, played cards, thereby losing three hours, finished The Maid's Room. Supped. Began a long letter…

Rose late. Aib, Averyanov and Epfshka were here. Wrote half a page. After dinner wrote another chapter. All evening played cards. That is a bad habit. As I was…

Wrote observations, information, thoughts, and rules. Walked with Grdman in the gardens and killed a hare. Dined alone with Groman. After dinner, while we were…

Arslan Khan having arrived at dinner time, put up at my place and thereby prevented my working. In the evening was imprudent enough after dinner to sit down to…

Rose late ; wrote a little till dinner, and then went to G roman’s where an officer who had come from the Samiirsk regiment related much that was interesting about…

Woke very late to-day and in a dis- contented state of mind. ... Bad humour and anxiety prevented my working. I read Zhukova’s story Nddenka .* Formerly it was…

Rose earlier than yesterday and sat down to write the last chapter. Many thoughts had collected, but a kind of invincible aversion hindered me from finishing it. As…

In the morning looked over Boyhood and decided to write it out afresh, and about the alterations, transpositions, and additions, that must be made in it. About 10…

Got up late and aching with fatigue in all my limbs. Worked decently in the morning, copying out Boyhood and getting it into order, but was soon called to dinner,…

Woke very late and did nothing all day because I got stuck in A New View , for which nothing occurs to me. . . . After dinner had a flickering in my eyes so that I…

After dinner rode out with Zuev and Groman to Khasav-Urt. . . . Spent the night at Sh&kov where Ziiev by his reflections (not mean, but not noble) and by his…

Spent all day on the road. At Temkich, awaiting an “ occasion I heard how a soldier's wife feeling confused at having refused to trust the rich Jew, Tabun, with…

Have spent two days in a fog. Con- tinual visitors at Olifer’s and disquietude about my illness (which seems to waver between better and worse) have not diverted me…

Yesterday spent the whole day without doing anything. Chatted with visitors and looked through an old number of the Contemporary. . . . Do not value an opinion you…

My health is quite good, but on the other hand I have deteriorated morally. All day have not had one thought or made one observation, though I have read Arago and…

Have given Akrshevski almost half of Boyhood to copy out. Have lost 42 rubles to Sokovnin, and have left Khasav-Urt ten rubles in debt. Visitors did not give me a…

Rose early and set to work writing; but in spite of abundance of thoughts and careful writing, very little got done. After dinner played chess with the un-…

Yesterday rose early but wrote little. Two chapters, The Maids' Room and Boyhood , which I have so long been unable to bring to their final *hape, detained me. I…

Think I must have blundered about the dates, for I positively cannot remember what I have done these four days. On the 20th rode to Kizlyar to get a dog from…

Rose readily. Wished to set to work on Boyhood , but not having the previous notebooks found it inconvenient, and I have decided on nothing new so far. Arranged my…

Rose early but could not begin anything. My story The Cossacks both pleases and displeases me. Read The History of the Russian State till dinner, and after dinner…

All these days I have been much disturbed about my cold, which has still not passed and in spite of which I have twice gone shooting with Stiegelmann. In…

My cold and headache do not pass. Have twice been unreasonable enough to go shooting (with Sulimdvski). The day before yesterday Alexeev returned. Yesterday I began…

My nose is still not cleared, and I feel disturbed. I was reading the History all day. Ustryalov a states the characteristics of the Russian people as being…

Am still ill and anxious. Read the History all day and finished it. I fancy Aleshka steals ; this grieves me much. Mentioned it to him, though I ought to have kept…

Yesterday though I felt better I wrote nothing. To-day I am worse because of yesterday’s rashness, and again on the plea of anxiety wrote nothing all day I read the…

My health is rather better, but I still cannot feel at ease. To-morrow I shall go to Kizlyar unless I am quite well. Have received a letter from Zriev and one from…

My health seems better but my depres- sion is unconquerable. In the morning wrote an intro- duction to the novel. In the evening slept till supper time, then wrote…

Have sent off the letter. Have done nothing.

I got up late, and till late at night spent the time shooting. I killed a hare and a pheasant. My health is not yet quite right morally or physically. It has…

Yesterday got up late, paid a visit to Alexeev who immediately returned it, and did nothing all day. To-day, except when disturbed by various visitors, worked all…

Went shooting yesterday, killed a hare and two pheasants. Aleshka has not left yet and lam very glad of it, for my letter to my Aunt was not in accord with my first…

On the 29th went shooting all day and killed nothing. Yesterday in the morning wrote The Story of a Russian Landlord , in the evening suffered from charcoal fumes,…