28 May–3 June 1855

o’clock in the evening. In the morning finished readifig Faust. At noon started writing my Diary, but Gorchakdv interrupted me, and I went to see Kopyev in order to take up a position with my battery. Showed lack of character by not continuing to work when Gorchakdv came, and lack of order by not having gone on from Kdpyev’s to Hagmann to get matters settled or returning home to work, but I went to see Savftski with whom I spent the heat of the day and went to ride in the evening. It was a fine outing. Bought a horse. Told an untruth to Savftski out of vanity, and on returning home did not at once set to work, but mentally calculated some trifling sums while lying on my bed and looking at the candle. Supped and drank vodka : lack of character. And so there were two cases of lack of character, one of laziness, one of disorder, and one of vanity, in all five.

On the 26th the Selengfnsk, Vol^nsk, and Kamchatka Redoubts were captured. I was in Sevastopol the next day and convinced myself that it will not fall. My command causes me a good deal of trouble, especially the money accounts. Decidedly I am ill - qualified for practical activity, or if I am capable of it, it costs me great effort, which is not worth applying since my career is not a practical one. For the last five days plans of compositions and crowds of thoughts stir within me more and more. Is it possible that I am unable to train myself to activity and order ? I am testing myself for the last time. If I fall again into indifference, carelessness, and idleness, I shall conclude that I am only able to work by fits and starts and I shall not try further. Now I am re-starting the Franklin Journal : (1) Idleness. (2) Irritability. (3' Thoughtlessness. (4) Vanity. (5) Disorder. (6) Lack of character

Rose at about six o’clock and found a number of Fatherland Notes} read them, bargained for a blind horse which I do not want, and at dinner drank vodka. (1) Idleness, (2) lack of character, and (3) dis- orderfiness. After dinner I went to the garden, wrote a little of A Cadet's Notes , but could neither sleep nor work on account of the ants. Tried to tell my fortune by cards, but I did nothing. Passed the evening at Sasha’s. Again idleness and lack of character and disorderliness. Again five.

Got up late. . . . Did nothing except reading Henry Esmond. Went to the Doctor, who tried to reassure me but did not do so. . I boasted to the officers, lost my temper with Seredd because he brought sick men to me. After dinner wanted to sleep but could not, and afterwards went to Volkov’s. It is abominable that I am undecided about the provisioning. And so : irritability — one, idleness — one, lack of character — one, vanity — one, disorderliness — one, total — five.

Terrible idleness. . . . Did nothing all day. Lack of character as to going or not to Hagmann, and disorderliness. . . Total three, but the chief and most terrible is insuperable idleness.