11–17 June 1855

In the morning worked easily and with great pleasure, but started late and did not keep it up in the evening. Besides that, lack of character — I was twice at . . . , and I ate cherries. Total three. It is ridiculous that, having started writing rules at fifteen, when nearly thirty I am still writing them, without having trusted or followed any one of them, and yet I still believe in them and want them. The rules should be moral and practical. Here are practical ones without which there can be no happiness — moderation and acquisition. Money !

For two days I have been taking drill. Yesterday was at Bakhchisaray and received a letter and my article from Pandev. * I am flattered that it has been read to the Emperor. My service here in Russia begins to madden me just as it did in the Caucasus. Idleness. Vanity, telling Stotypin about my article, and irritability, hitting men at drill. . . . Extraordinary how horrid I am, and how altogether unhappy and repulsive to myself.

Worked all day, and though my health is worse I am satisfied with my day and have nothing to reproach myself with. Hurrah ! Have finished A Cadet's Notes ,4 * * not clearly and not well, but it can be sent off.

Got up late. My health is unsatisfactory. I worked again at A Cadet's Tale. After dinner was idle and undecided. . . .