17–23 September 1855

Yesterday I received the news that Night 3 * * * * has been distorted and printed. It seems that I am under the strict observation of the Blues on account of my articles. I wish however that Russia always had such moral writers ; but I never can be a sugary one, nor can I ever write “ from the empty into the void ” without ideas, and above all without aim. Despite ^a first moment of anger, in which I promised myself never again to take' a pen in hand, my chief and sole activity, dominating all other tendencies and occupations, must be literature. My aim is literary fame and the good I can accomplish by my writings. To-morrow I am going to Korotez and will tender my resignation. In the morning will write Youth. Have not done good to anyone, but much evil : (1) offended Krasovski, (2) offended Shch^pin. Have not been to see Alesha. My money affairs are as follows. Am owed rubles and owe 200 rubles. From home in the course of the year I shall receive 2500. Cash in hand eight rubles.

Have moved to Kremenchug and put up at a secret spy’s. It is very interesting. As to women, there seems to be no hope. Wrote a little more of Sevastopol in August. Did no good to anyone, nor any evil. Must at all costs obtain fame ! I want to publish Youth myself. After having been to the southern coast and received money, will apply for leave to return home.

There are plenty of pretty girls and sensuality troubles me. The French have turned the detachment at Fatsiali, which has retired. Have not done any good or any evil.

Shall perish if I do not reform; with my character, education, circumstances, and abilities, there is no middle course between a brilliant and a wretched future. All the strength of my character must be turned towards reformation. My chief vices are : lack of char- acter— non-fulfilment of resolutions. The means of cor- rection are ( a ) to know my general aim, ( b ) to reflect on and note down my future activities, and carry them out even if they are bad. My aims are : (1) the good of my neighbour, and (2) self-discipline sufficient to render me capable of accomplishing that aim. The second is at present more important than the first, so I must remember all that has been decided on even if it be contrary to the first and general aim. Decide in advance on a few actions easy to accomplish and, above all, such as do not contradict one another. My chief aim in life is the good of my neighbour, and the accessory aims are literary fame, based on the benefit and the good of my neighbour ; wealth derived from work, from activities useful to my neighbour and from play, and employed for good ends, and fame in the service, based on usefulness to the fatherland. In my Diary will analyse what I have done each day for the achievement of these four aims, and how often I have not accomplished what I set out to do. To-morrow, for the first of the four aims, I will write letters to my aunts and to my brother Dmitri, and will inquire about the men's food, health, and quarters ; for the second, I will draft the plan of an article, and write it as well as Youth ; for the third, I will make up my accounts and write to my steward ; and for the fourth, I will study the locality.

Wrote a letter to Aunt Pelageya IHnishna, gave advice and promised help to the Greeks, which I will give ; for the second aim, I drafted Sevastopol in August. For the third, wrote to my steward ; and for the fourth, rode to the front. To-morrow, for the first aim will write a letter to Nikdlenka and will buy an ox and hay Tol*t6y’s third brother, who died in 1836. from S6fya Ivanovna ; for the second aim will write Youth and Sevastopol in August ; for the third aim will make up my accounts and buy hay ; for the fourth will ride along the road towards Albat, review the battery, and inspect the soldiers. . . .

For the first, have not written the letter to Nikblenka nor bought the hay. For the second, have written neither Sevastopol nor Youth , because in conse- quence of Mikh&lski’s refusing me money I rode to the Staff; for the third, I did not make up my accounts for the same reason. But I have won 150 rubles from Serzputdvski. For the fourth, reviewed the battery and rode along the road towards Albdt. (I have omitted a fifth and chief aim — my struggle against lack of character.) For the 24th had not fixed anything as I went to Korolez, but I acted contrary to my first aim, failing to keep my resolution about play and losing more than I had by me, and I was lazy. For the second, I wrote a note in the third person to Grandmother and a letter to Krasdvski. As to the third and fourth points, I did nothing. For the fifth, I gave orders for the departure, but did not move at night. To-morrow, September 25, for the first aim, will get up at half-past seven and will neither eat nor drink anything harmful. For the second, will buy ha*y from S6fya Ivanovna and see about quarters for the men. For the third, will write Sevastopol in August and Youth ; for the fourth, will make up my accounts and write to Valerian ; for the fifth, will look round the neighbourhood, execute my duties strictly, and make up to Miton.