19–25 May 1856

At eight o’clock B6tkin gave me a lift as far as his office, and then I travelled to Troitsa with an old man blind in one eye, a lean young man, and a laughing, red-haired, red-faced, officer. It was very wearisome, and my head also started aching so that I was very cold to Aunt. She is always the same — vain, small and pretty, sensitive and kind. A regular assembly in the church. Maltseva, the Gorchakovs, and Madame Satysin ; the soldiers were pushing the common people aside. In the evening had a chat with Auntie, at midnight went and sat for another hour with the Gorchakdvs. I was cheerful.

Woke late, read a little of some Life of the Saints, wrote one or two things, and went to church. Was again seized by that playful mood. Went into the vestry. They exhibit it as if it were a show ; while they kiss the icons an old woman spectator howls with joy. Evm^ni dragged me away with him and I asked him to write to me at Yasnaya. Took a hurried leave of my Aunt, promised to take her to the country, and left. Some ladies travelled with me : one a charming teacher, sun- burnt with walking. Spent the evening at the Perfilevs with Kostinka. Yuri Obolenski came. Shall go with him to dine at S. Aksakov’s. * * *

Kaldshin and Zagdskin came in the morning. Dined at Aksakov’s. Made Komyakdv’s acquaintance. An acute man. Disputed with Constantine Aksakov about village readings, which he considers impossible. In the evening at the Gorchakovs’ disputed with SergOy Dmitrievich about exactly the opposite : SergOy Dmitri- evich was sure that the peasantry are the most depraved class. Of course, from a Western I became a hard-crusted Slavophil.

Dined at Diakov’s. Did not recognise Madame A. Obolenski she has so changed. I did not expect to see her and so the feeling she aroused in me was terribly acute. From there went to Aksakov and heard the Fourth Part read. It is good, but the old man got over-praised. Returned to Diakov’s, danced a little, and left there with Alexander Sukhotfn, passionately in love. Yes, it hurts me even now to think of the happiness that might have been mine and which has fallen to the share of that excellent fellow A. Oboldnski. I told Sukhotin of my feelings. He understood it, and all the more because, I fancy, he shares it.

Got up late, chatted with Kdstinka and Perfflev. Read the criminal scenes which are very good, especially when M. M. Sukhotfn reads them. Went with Obolenski to Yfiri Samarin’s. A cold, flexible, and trained, mind. He was called to dinner. I left promising to return at eleven. Called on Verochka. . . At Bdtkin’s in KUn^sevo, and on the way there, was touched to tears by the beauty of nature. From there I called at the Perfflevs. V&renka was there. Lovely eyes, no smile, an impossible nose. Good figure, awkward, probably intelligent and kind, though elle gras eye ; on the whole a very pleasant person. I should like to know her better.

In the morning finished writing diary and notebook, and felt cruelly bored, foreseeing the impossibility of meeting A, to-day. Have no reason to remain but feel terribly disinclined to leave. Four feelings have taken an unusual hold of me : love, the pangs of remorse (though pleasant), the desire to marry (in order to get rid of those pangs), and nature. Was late for dinner and did not find Khovnfn’s lodgings. Returned home and dined there. Someone wished to go to the Hermitage. I was weak enough to agree. Met Longfnov there, and was foolish enough Qo go pact him, purposely looking at him. Altogether, after half an hour, carried away from there a feeling of intolerable depression. At home heard that the Obolenskis would be at the Sukhotfns. Went there. S. was strumming Chopin and A. as usual came and went, and we did not talk much. Once or twice while I spoke she was all attention. No, I am not being carried away when I say that she is the sweetest woman I ever knew. The most refined, artistic, and at the same time moral, nature. Left there with Obolenski and Sukhotfn to have supper at my place. Obolenski is a fine and clever man, if it were not for his compressed lips which show a wish to be kind. But all the same I have such respect for him that I don’t suffer as I might have done at imagining his relations with her. They are as they must be. Never mind ! Sukhotfn was hurt by my jokes and told me so. He is good-natured and believes in the pleasures of the senses.

Without going to bed went to the Sparrow Hills with Kostinka. Bathed, drank milk, and slept there in the garden. The monks were drinking with girls, drinking milk, and dancing the polka. Nothing will ever come of Kostinka. He does not believe that without work there is no success. We returned at five, I was late for dinner at the Diakovs’. A.'s daughter is ill. She told Sergey Sukhotfn in my presence that when she was betrothed there were no lovers. Her husband was not there. Can she have wished to tell me that she was not in love with him ? Afterwards when saying good-bye to me she suddenly gave me her hand and there were tears in her eyes because she had been crying about her daughter’s illness, but I felt awfully happy. After that she unexpectedly saw me to the door. Certainly since Sdnechka’s days I have not experienced such a pure, strong, and good feeling. I say “ good ”, because though i*t is hopeless it %ives me joy to arouse it. I want awfully to work at Youth : I think because in it that feeling is re-lived. Returned at eight, sat till ten with Perfflev. Went to bed, woke up at two, had some supper, chatted with Vasenka, and lay down again.