27 October–2 November 1856

Was ill in the morning. Walked, can’t write anything. Vaterya came. Did not please me very much, but she is a dear, dear, girl, honest and frank. She told me that after the Mortier affair she wished to prepare herself to receive communion. I showed her this Diary. October 27 finished with the words “ I love -her She tore that page out.

Rode to Gfmbut’s with the dogs and dined with him. In the morning wrote letters to Dor. Ars. and went to Valerya’s. She had had her hair done up in a terrible fashion and wore a purple mantle for me. I felt pained and ashamed, and spent a sad day. Con- versation did not go. Yet quite involuntarily I was in the position of a sort of fianci. That irritated me. Found Serezha. Read Turgenev’s Faust at his house. It is delicious.

Talked with Serezha all morning. Went with him to the Ars^nevs’. She was quite simple and nice. We chatted in a corner.

Went hunting. Caught two in their covert and shot one. Found Mile. Vergani and went to the Ars^nevs’ with her. Useless to speak to her. Her narrowness frightens me and the constraint of my position angers me. Thought much while hunting. Must live a wider life. There is no perfection. It’s well if one avoids evil.

Spent the night at their house. She is not pretty. The constraint of my position angers me more and more. Went to a ball and she was again very charm- ing. * A pained voice, and a desire to compromise herself and sacrifice something for me. Went to an hotel with them. • They saw me off. I was almost in love.

Thought only of Valerya on the way. Not quite well. Reached Moscow in the night. Stopped at Chevalier’s.

Wrote to Valerya. Went to Masha’s. She is nice, and is well. Told her about Valerya. She takes her side. Spent the evening at Botkin’s very pleasantly, and at Ostrovski’s. He is dirty and, though a kind man, a cold egotist. Awful sick-headache.