6–12 April 1857

Got up ill at seven, and went to see an execution. A stout white neck and chest ; he kissed the Gospels and then — death. How senseless ! The im- pression it made was strong and will not go for nothing. I am not a political man. Morals and art I know, love, and crn deal with. Am unwell and depressed. Am going to dine at the Trubetskoys’. Wrote a stupid letter to Botkin. Read lying down and dozed. Went to the Trubetskoys’. The criminal has upset me. Hartmann and Turgenev were there. I remained too long and got bored. Went to Turgenev’s. He no longer talks but chatters ; he believes neither in reason, in people, nor in anything. But it was pleasant. The guillotine long kept me awake and compelled me to reflect.

Got up late, unwell. Read, and suddenly a simple and sensible idea occurred to me — to leave Paris. Turgenev and Orlov came, I went with them to the latter’s, gadded about, packed, dined with Turgenev and Krudener — who had thrust himself upon us — at Duront’s, from there went in for a moment to Turgenev’s. He went to Viardot’ and I to Lvov’s. The young Princess was there. J like her very much, and think I am a fool not to try to marry ner. If she were to marry a very good man and they we*e happy together I might be driven to despair. Chatted afterwards with a sincere and sweet Institute pupil and went to bed calmer than the day before.

Got up at eight and called on Turgenev. Both times on taking leave of him and leaving him I have cried, I don’t know why. I am very fond of him. He has made and is making a different man of me. Started at eleven. It was dull on the train. On the other hand, when we changed on to a diligence in the night the full moon shone on it and everything stood out and was suffused with love and joy. For the first time in a long period I sincerely thanked God I was alive.

Eft route in the diligence. Am tired and have reached Geneva. To-morrow I want to start again on three things at once.

Woke up early, feel well and almost bright if it were not for the bad weather. Went to church, but service was over and it was too late for my demotion?. Did some shopping and went to the Tolstoys’. Alexandra Tolstdya has fallen into a religious mood and I think they all have. Bocage is delightful. Read Cousire Bette all day, but was orderly in my life and wrote five sections. At twenty-eight am still a stupid stripling !

Yesterday again read Cousine Bette . Was orderly, wrote four disjointed letters, but did nothing. Went to look for a country house and found nothing. Strogonov called in the evening and talked insistently about his relations.

Read the Gospels, went to the baths, caught cold. The Tolstoys have carried me off to their house. I abused Totleben — bad ! Read Balzac. Alexandrine’s smile is wonderful ; in the evening a certain Lvov turned up — a sleek, lively officer.