18–24 May 1857

Bad night. . . . After breakfast went to the Tolstdys' with Michael Ivdnovich and had tea with the whole company. They are happy — how can they help being kind ? To Prebat with the Prince. Bought many things, little money left. In the evening went to St. Gingolph with M. Ya. and Michael Ivanovich and met the Galdkhovs there. The red republican promenades about; many pretty girls. K. M. is dangerous. I am afraid I am already to blame, and that feeling, together with the pleasure and consciousness of the charm of a handsome young woman, kept me awake a long time.

Got up late, depressed. Had a good walk, wrote in notebook. Dined alone. Fell asleep. Wrote to Auntie, went to Baumgarten’s — deadly dull. Afterwards relieved my mind at the Meshcherskis’.

Got up early, walked till io, took an aperient, played duets, then for the rest of the day read Larrut. Polivdnova called with her children. I am sorry for her. in Amsterdam the bourgeois go about in . . .

Got up early, went to Hauteville ; feel first rate. At home read ; can’t set to work. Went to a fete, stayed there till six. Dress-clothes, dances, polkas. The Galdkhovs and Meshcherskis came. With tail up I spent a merry evening. The Meshcherskis invited me to dance. Received a letter from Nekrasov ; wrote a religious letter in reply, and one about money to Pandev.

Clarens. Got up at 8, walked for a while. Read1 Larrut. Wrote nothing except two letters. Was with the Meshcherskis in the evening, read them Chi- ch&in’s letter. They are awfully stupid, but thank God that does not vex me. Stayed till 12, and went to bed with a heavy head.

Woke up at 10. Sat upstairs and wrote. A letter from General K. M. ; cheerful. After dinner played with the goitreuse , walked, then the Galakhovs also came for maitrank , then to the Meshcherskis*. This begins to get tiresome, i.e. it may become a bore : none of these people is specially dear to me, but my idleness continues.

Got up at 8, read Larrut all day. A quantity of artistically happy thoughts. Went to a funeral in the evening. The prayers touched me. Love is suffocating me — both physical and ideal love. M. Ya. is charming. I am extremely interested in myself. I even love myself because there is much love of others in me.