3–9 January 1853

Again did nothing all day, did not even think. It was unpleasant, as it always is, in Grozny. Am impatient to go into action.

Stupid people. All — especially my brother — drink, and it is very unpleasant for me. War is such an unjust and evil thing that those who wage it try to stifle their consciences. Am I doing right ? My God, teach me and forgive me if I am doing wrong.

The morning was muddled ; in the evening Knoring arrived drunk, with Besk6t, and brought some porter. I got tipsy. The officers from Tengfnsk turned up with some wenches — I don’t know where from. I drank again. Yanovich was drunk, and began trying to break my finger and said I was playing the fool. The pain and the drink made me furious, and I called him a fool and a hobbledehoy. With tears in his voice and childish touchiness, he spoke rudely to me. I said I did not wish to have a scolding match, as the soldiers do, and that the matter could not end like that.

This morning I told him that I had been drunk, and apologised for what I had said ; he w- s so absurd that he replied, “ I pardon you ; you were yourself to blame ”. To-morrow as soon as I have said my prayers, whoever may be there, I will again ask him to apologise, and if he won’t I shall call him out. He will have th£ first shot and I shall not fire. I acted stupidly and badly. Yanovich is a good fellow and by this affair I may be doing him much harm. Nikolenka has left. It was un- pleasant and depressing for him to witness this affair and not know how it will end. He is an egotist, but all the same I love him and it troubles me to have grieved him. Several times during these last two days I have thought of leaving the army, but on thinking it well over I sec that I must not abandon the plan I had decided on — to take part in the last expedition this year, in which, it seems to me, I shall be killed or wounded Let God’s will be done. Lord do not forsake me. Teach me, give me strength, resolution, and wisdom.

Have carried out my intention. Yanovich readily apologised ; but no one can know what an effort it cost me to speak to him again on the matter. The officers are scowling at me, but I pay very little attention to it. I would willingly start writing, but this disorderly way of life hinders my settling down to anything.