17–23 January 1853

Took a walk in the morning. Buemski, whom I no longer like, was here. The kunaks weary me. Am driving Balta away. Wrote a little. It is curious that having thought of a subject it is long before I can write. Or has it just happened so ? Played at preference , and my passion for cards was strongly roused.

My life is extremely disorderly, so that I do not recognise myself and am ashamed to live like this. Played cards, lost 40 rubles, and shall play again. Am beginning to like Ogolin very much.

Wrote a little, but so negligently, super- ficially, and scantily, that it came to nothing. My mental capacities have become blunted by this aimless and disorderly life, and by intercourse with people who do not wish to, and cannot, understand anything at all serious or noble. Am without a farthing, and this position makes me afraid of being thought badly of, which is also proof of my being capable of acting badly. Do not want to play cards any more. I don’t know to what extent God will help me. What of the much-extolled good the Caucasus vas to do me, while I am leading such a life as this ? When I return to Tula I shall again involuntarily fall into the rut of the Kulikovskis, Gans, and Lutikovs. No, never !

Spent yesterday rather better ; ttill, I went to Zakhar with Balta. Ogolin lost at cards,' and now I feel awkward with him. Stiegelmann is leaving, and I have been appointed to command in his place.