11–17 April 1853

It is long since I wrote anything. Reaching Starogladov at the beginning of April, I have continued living as I had been living on campaign — like a gambler who fears to count up how much he owes. I lost ioo rubles to Sulimovski very easily. Went uselessly to Chervlenna to try to get a certificate of ill-health. I wished to leave the army, but a false sense of shame at returning home while still a Cadet definitely restrained me. I will await a commission — which I shall hardly get. I am already accustomed to ill-success of all kinds. If I didn’t misbehave myself on the Tuesday of Passion Week it was only by God’s grace. I want to get back into my old rut of isolation, orderliness, and good and kindly feelings and. occupations^ God help me ! Am now experiencing for the first time an exceedingly sad and depressed feeling — regret at having lost my youth without pleasure or advantage ; and I feel that my youth has passed. It is time to bid it farewell.

Got up early and wanted to write, but was lazy ; besides, the story I have begun does not attract me. There is no worthy person in it whom I can love. There was, however, more thought in it. Have re-read Childhood . Sulimdvski came. He was rude, and I was too condescend- ing. While I might have worked I dined, played picquet, told fortunes, and read. Wrote letters to Serezha and Brimmer. My bad handwriting is a misfortune. I could not write straight : “ To His Excellency Edward Vladi- mirovich Brimmer-, Tiflfs ”. /