2–8 May 1853

Didn’t write ; nothing particular happened. Played and bathed. Was nearly drunk. Went hunting.

Nothing particular. Money, 40 rubles for the story, received by post. To-day wrote a good deal ; altered, shortened some of it, and gave the story its final form. I must have a woman. Sensuality gives me not a moment’s peace.

Have done nothing these seven days. Was at birdie’s and drank, though several times I wished to stop. My brother left to-day. Have received letters from Nikolenka, Serezha, and Masha, all about my writing, flattering to my self-love. The story, Christmas Eve , is now quite thought out. I want to take myself in hand and resume the rut of regular life : reading, writing, orderliness, and self - restraint. Because of the girls, whom I do not have, and the cross, which I shall not get, I live here wasting the best years of my life. It is stupid. Lord grant me happiness !