4–10 July 1853

Was feverish yesterday. Alexdev came and talked about my service ; this agitated me so that I spent all day writing a letter to Brimmer and think I wrote it well. To-morrow must write Boyhood. Arslan Khan arrived and I think we shall set out in a few days.

Got up late. Wrote well, but little. Spent all the afternoon with the boys. Am too frank ; have just been chatting about religion with Grisha. Must write Boyhood to-morrow.

In the morning we hunted at Kurdyfiki, but from false shame I did not behave as I wished to. Drank and lied. Stiegelmann came and unconsciously flattered* me agreeably. To-mcrrow must write Boyhood. . . .

In the morning wrote, but badly and inatten- tively ; many thoughts but futile ones. All the same got on a little. After dinner went shooting. Drank very much but conducted myself well, although I ran about till 4 o’clock in the morning with the boys. Grdman vexes me. Must write to-morrow. . . . Am not going to Pyatigdrsk with Arslan Khan.

Got up late, started writing, but did not get on : am much dissatisfied with my aimless and disorderly life. Read Profession de foi d'un vicaire Savoyard and — as usual when I read it — a mass of useful and noble thoughts awoke in me. Yes, my chief misfortune is a large mind. Slept after dinner, played a little with the boys, and acted very badly by not checking them — even gave them occasion to ridicule Epishka. Am unable to prove to myself the existence of God, or to find any satisfactory evidence of it, and do not think the conception absolutely necessary. It is easier and simpler to imagine the eternal existence of the universe with its inconceivably admirable order than to imagine the existence of a creator of it. The craving of man’s body and spirit for happiness is the only way to an understanding of life’s mysteries. When the craving of the spirit conflicts with the craving of the flesh, the former should take control, for the spirit is immortal like the happiness it procures. ^The attainment of happiness is the course of its develop- ment. The vices of the spirit are noble instincts spoilt. Vanity is a desire to be satisfied with oneself ; cupidity, a desire to do more good. I do not understand the necessity for God’s existence, But I believe in Him and pray for help to understand Him.

Left Starogladov without the least regret. On the road Arkhan sickened me to death. On reaching Pyatigorsk I found Masha launched into this society. This was painful for me to see, not out of envy, I think, but because it was unpleasant to part with my conviction that she is exclusively the mother of a family. However she is so naively sweet that she remains fine even in the wretched society here. Sent off a good letter to Barya- tinski, to Brfmmer a decent one, and to Moreau a horrid one. Valeryan is reasonable and honest, but he has not that fine sense of honour which I require to enable me to get in touch with a man. The Baron is a good fellow. How is it that Valeryan and Nikolenka have not the tact to refrain from ridiculing people’s manners and appear- Profession de foi d'un vicatre Savoyard forms part of J. J. Rousseau’s Amite. ance, while they themselves are so defective in these respects ? In general I felt sad and depressed. Am sure I shall not experience that feeling when I meet Serezha, and still less when I meet Tatiana Alexdndrovna. Yester- day I was attracted by a handsome gipsy girl, but God saved me. Moved into my old lodgings and decided to stay here and wait until I am released from the army or obtain leave, and I will go from here only if I am turned out or my relatives go away. Wrote Boyhood till dinner. Dined with Masha, and till the Boulevard continued Boyhood. Must be on guard against vanity. Why did I bow coldly to Baryatinski ? Have 28 rubles left : six for boots and four to repair over- coat, will leave 18. Must economise.