17–23 October 1853

Rose late. Aib, Averyanov and Epfshka were here. Wrote half a page. After dinner wrote another chapter. All evening played cards. That is a bad habit. As I was walking down the street some Cossack or other said “ Priest ! Soldier ! ” and that nonsense (which was perhaps not addressed to me at all) troubled me.

Wrote observations, information, thoughts, and rules. Walked with Grdman in the gardens and killed a hare. Dined alone with Groman. After dinner, while we were playing cards, Zuev suddenly seemed to me extremely stupid. (3bri, who has come to Groman, seems to be a wretched fellow. After finishing his studies at the Lyceum, he wished to exchange from the civil service to the military, contrary to his father’s will, and in consequence, according to his story, has served for four years as a Cadet, and now at last, having been dismissed from the service, is living at Kargdli — Heaven knows why. I spoke too venomously about the Cossack in Fetisov’s presence. Wrote a chapter of Boyhood. Supped, finished writing to-day’s informa- tion, observations, thoughts, and rules, and am going to bed. Thank God I am satisfied with myself, but I experience a strange feeling of unrest, while tranquil externally and internally — as if someone were saying~to me : “ There, now you’re good, but no one but you knows it

Arslan Khan having arrived at dinner time, put up at my place and thereby prevented my working. In the evening was imprudent enough after dinner to sit down to cards and lost two hours, and to-day got up late. Till dinner read a capital novel by Samuel Warren. After dinner slept, and on waking revised one chapter before supper, but did it badly. After supper read The Invalide and spent two hours studying geo- graphy with an Atlas. I think there will be war. Alexeev told me that the infantry Cadets have already been called up for examination. It is said that Shamil has collected 40,000 men and is preparing to attack Prince Vorontsov.

Rose late ; wrote a little till dinner, and then went to G roman’s where an officer who had come from the Samiirsk regiment related much that was interesting about the affair at Zakataly. Wrote after- wards, despite the presence of some boys, and after dinner played cards. Boyhood has become extremely repulsive to me. I hope to finish it to-morrow. The idea of writing my thoughts, observations, and rules, in separate books is a very odd one.

Woke very late to-day and in a dis- contented state of mind. ... Bad humour and anxiety prevented my working. I read Zhukova’s story Nddenka .* Formerly it was enough for me to know that the author of a story was a woman, in order not to read it, for nothing can be more ridiculous than the feminine view of a man’s life, which they often undertake to describe. In woman’s sphere on the contrary a woman author has an enormous advantage over us. Nadenka’s environment is very well described ; she herself is too lightly and indefinitely sketched in. It is evident that the authoress was not guided by one consistent idea. I took up my notebook of Boyhood with a sort of despairing aversion, like a workman compelled to labour at a thing he considers useless and worthless. Am working carelessly, listlessly, and lazily. When I have finished the last chapter, it will be necessary to revise it all from the beginning, take notes, and mark the final alterations on the rough draft. Much will have to be altered. The character “ I ” is very flabby. The action is long drawn, and too sequent in point of time and not sequent enough in the thought. For instance, the method of describing past actions in the course of a narrative for the sake of clearness and relief, is quite sacrificed owing to my division of the chapters. All dinner time and afterwards I could not and did not feel it necessary to master the apathetic dullness which oppressed me. Having finished Nddenka I again sat down to detestable Boyhood ', but Ilyas interrupted, and not wishing to drive him away or to lose the time completely, we went out shooting. Again I worked at Boyhood ', managed somehow to finish a chapter, had supper, and afterwards played cards. After the shooting, when approaching the house from the north, I was charmed by the view of the grey hills beyond the reed roofs of the houses and the roof of the black- boarded chapel surmounted by a cross. Two recruits were talking in the square, and one of them, wishing to laugh at a joke made by his comrade, gave out a noise rather like coughing or choking, as often happens to people who lead an irregular life. “ Be content with the present ! ” This precept, which I read to-day, struck me extremely. I vividly recalled all the occasions in my life when I have not followed it, aiTd it seemed to me very surprising that I have not followed it, say in the most recent case, that is, my service : I wished to be a Cadet — a Count, a rich man with connections, a remarkable man, whereas the most useful and convenient thing for me would have been to be a Cadet — a soldier. How much that is interesting I might then have learnt during this time, and how much unpleasantness I should have avoided. But at the time my position was closer, and that was why I did not see it so clearly. The passions that were touched (pride, idleness, and laziness) gave my situation a different aspect and suggested other thoughts to my mind. Believe your reason only when you are convinced that no kind of passion is speaking in you. In a passionless condition reason rules man, but when passions control him they control his reason too, and only add a more fatal boldness to his bad actions.