12–18 June 1854

Just three months’ interval — three months of idleness and of a life with which I cannot be satisfied. Passed three weeks with Scheidemann and regret that I did not remain there. I might have got on with the officers and fitted in with the Battery Commander. More- over the bad company and the suppressed irritation aroused in me by my poor position would have had a good influence on me. I should have been vexed, dull, and should have tried to raise myself morally above the position I was in, and I should have become better and have worked My transfer to the Staff came just at the time when I ✓had quarrelled with the Battery Commander and it flattered my vanity. My illness, during which I could not even get back into the rut of activity and honest work with goodness for its sole aim, showed me to what a degree I have deteriorated. The higher I rise in social opinion the lower I stand in my own. I lied, boasted, and, what is most horrible of all, did not behave under fire as I expected of myself. The siege of Silistria has been abandoned. I have not yet been in action. My position among my fellow-officers and with the commanders is good. My health is tolerable, and in regard to morals I have firmly decided to devote my life to the service of my neighbours. For the last time I say to myself, ‘‘If three days pass without my having done anything of service to others, I will kill myself.” Help me, O Lord. Till dinner write letters, to Serezha, and my aunts and to Volkonski if I have time. After dinner An Artillery- man's Notes.