10–16 July 1854

Do not want to write, and I have already resolved that I do not intend to force myself to anything par parti pris. So I will only note that I have read Lafontaine and Goethe, whom I begin to understand better every day, and have copied out some of An Artilleryman's Notes , but little and lazily, for which I reproach myself.

Have re-read A Hero oj our Times } have read Goethe, and only wrote a very little towards evening. Why ? Laziness, indecision, and a passion for looking at my moustache and my fistula, for all of which I reproach myself. To-day I entrusted my application for a transfer to Boborykin who was here on his way to the General. Another reproach for having ridiculed Olkhin in front of Boborykin.

In the morning Olkhin came to explain to me that he is leaving for Movo and wished to entrust his horses and things to me, which I had to refuse, telling him that I had no money. Indeed I am again in a most difficult monetary position: at any rate till the middle of August I don’t expect a farthing from anywhere, excepting the forage-money, and I am in debt to the Doctor. I say “ don’t expect ”, for I received the Contemporary to-day and am convinced that my MSS. have stuck somewhere in the custom-house. I will clear up this affair when I am well again. This evening I had an opportunity to test my illusions as to my return to a gay life. The landlady’s very pretty married daughter, who coquetted with me most stupidly and beyond all bounds, acted on me — in spite of my efforts — as used to be the case : that is to say, I suffered terribly from bashfulness. To-day in conversation with the Doctor I lost the stupid and unjust views I have hitherto held about the Wallachians — the opinion general in the whole army and accepted by me from the fools whom I have hitherto met. The fate of this people is touching and sad. To-day I read Goethe and a play of Lermontov’s (in which I found much that was new and good), and Bleak House by Dickens. This is the second day I have been trying to write verses. We will,see what comes of it. To-day have only to reproach myself with laziness : though I wrote and planned ahead much that is good, it was too little, and lazily done.

Since morning have felt heavy-headed and could not force myself to work. I have read the Con- temporary all day. Esther (in Bleak House') says that her childish prayer consisted of the promises she had made to God : (1) Always to be industrious. (2) To be sincere. (3) To be contented, and (4) to try to win the love of all around her. How simple, how sweet, how easy to accom- plish, and how great, are those four rules. In the evening I had Antrdpov in to ask him for money, and I disputed with him, that is to say, his presence aroused thoughts in me. I like that, though there is always mixed with it the unpleasant and wrong feeling that he cannot appreciate my thoughts. Kiibin also came in with his conceitedly humiliated face and way of looking at me. Why have I set this down ? I blame myself for my laziness.

My prayer : I believe in the one, all-powerful, and good God, in the immortality of the soul, and in eternal retribution for our deeds ; I wish to believe in the religion of my fathers and to respect it. “ Our Father ”, and so on. “ For the repose and salvation of my parents.” “ I thank Thee, O Lord, for thy mercy, for this, for this . . \ and for that (recalling all the happiness that has fallen to my lot). I pray Thee prompt me to good undertakings and thoughts, and grant me happiness and success in them. Aid me to correct my faults, spare me from sickness, suffering, quarrels, debts, and humiliation. Grant me to live and die in firm faith and hope in Thee, with love for others and from others, and to be of use to my neighbour. Grant me to do good and shun evil ; but whether good or evil befalls me, may Thy holy will be done. Grant me what is truly good. Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy upon me.” A very late morning because I rose at ten. Read about Montenegro, wrote a little and chatted with comrades who looked me up. After dinner I had to force myself to write a little but did not do it clearly. About nine o’clock Bartolomey called, and with him I rode out for the first time. Went to Kherestre and chatted till midnight. Might reproach myself with laziness but, considering my suffering and illness, excuse myself.

^n the morning besides my customary reading of Goethe and booklets that I happened upon, I wrote Zhdanov and have still not decided about the personality of Velenchuk. In the evening Nover^zhski, Shtibin, and Antrdpov sat with me. I have received a letter from the village elder. Ter&nti Tsvetkdv and two domestic serfs will be conscripted : a good choice. Before letting my transfer go through, the old Bashi- Bazouk decidedly means to inform the Prince of it. Should I not reconsider this transfer ? Perhaps I shall not change my character but only commit a really serious folly from a desire to change it. Is indecision a capital defect — of which one must cure oneself ? Are there not two sorts of characters equally worthy : one decided and the other reflective ? Do I not belong to the second category, and is not my wish to correct myself a desire to be what I am not, as Alphonse Karr puts it ? It seems to me that that is the truth. There are defects more positive (absolute) such a as : laziness, falsehood, irritability, and egotism, which are always defects.

The Doctor woke me early, and thanks to this I wrote a good deal in the morning — always correcting the old — the description of the soldiers. In the evening also wrote a little and read Verschworung von Fiesko . I am beginning to understand drama in general. Though in this I take quite a contrary line to the majority, I am pleased with it as a thing which gives me fresh poetic enjoyment. After tea Shubin, Tishk^vich, and Verzh- bftski came to see me, and told me in an admirable way much that is interesting about the Slobodzni affair. Am dissatisfied with myself : (i) because I have all day been scratching the pimples with which my face, body, and nose are covered — and which are beginning to torment me ; and (2) for the stupid fury with Alishka which suddenly overcame me at dinner.

From ten till two wrote industriously and finished the description of the soldiers, but after that it goes with difficulty. In the evening D. Gorchakdv came to see me, and the friendship he showed gave me that delightful emotion of the heart which true feeling produces in me and which I had long not experienced. Afterwards Bartolomey came in and I think I offended him a little by mentioning that his pronunciation is bad. It is time I ceased to keep company with the young people, though I have never thoroughly mixed with them as others do ; the thing is that now it is easier and pleasanter for me to be with old men than with very young people. My health is so-so. I have forgotten to write down something good or important — I forget which. To-day I only reproach myself about Bartolomey.