17–23 July 1854

My dinner was not a success. Neither Gorchakov nor the Doctor could come. Only Bartolomey ate my sucking pig and enthused about Schiller. Before dinner I read, after dinner I read and, strange to say, fell asleep before eight o’clock, so that I got nothing done all day. Noverezhski brought me 45 rubles, of which I intend to give the Doctor 40 and with the rest — borrowing some more from Gorchakov — go to Buzeo and there await the Staff and my own recovery. To-day I deserve my re- proaches : (1) For a stupid and above all unrealisable idea of buying a horse from Nikol&ev. (2) For a whole in which I have done nothing.

Yesterday morning read and prepared for my departure. In the evening rode off in a most careless and haphazard manner with Milyshem to Mora- Domyansk where I stayed the whole day. I reproach myself for these two days : (1) for indecision at starting, (2) for irritability yesterday morning with Aleshka, and (3) to some degree for yesterday’s indolence.

Was awakened early in the morning and taken to Sim^pti. Am in general dissatisfied with to-day. Somehow, not from indolence but from being occupied with the food and the tent, I seemed to have no time. Got nothing at all done and did not even read. Am here, and have formed a company with some rather disreputable people and, I confess, sometimes regret that I am not in another company. However, apart from the fact that this gives me time to work, I am satisfied with myself for behaving properly — I neither shun nor come in too close contact with them. The stupid old man vexes me very much by his way of not greeting me. He will have to be given a fillip. Yesterday forgot to note down the pleasure Schiller has given me by his Rudolf of Hapsburg and by some small philosophical poems. There is a beautiful simplicity, picturesqueness, and truthfully calm poetry in the first. In the second what struck me — “ wrote itself in my soul ” as Bartolomey says — was the thought that to accomplish anything great one must direct all the strength of one’s soul to a single point. Reproaches : (1) Lack of self-restraint, and slovenliness in the way I ate cheese. (2) Idleness all day, especially if I do not now get at least a little work done.

Another move, in spite of which I should be satisfied with to-day were it not for a stupid demand of Kryzhandvski’s that I should ride to Movo. Went to him in the morning and had the weakness and stupidity not to wake him. Afterwards I slept, dined, and wrote a little. My health is good, and to-morrow I shall present myself to both my Commanders and hand in both reports. Re- proach : for indecision with Kryzhandvski.

This morning went and presented myself to my Chiefs for an explanation. It seemed that Kryzhandvski had said that I should join the battery. Tishk^vich had repeated this gossip to me, and I went to Kryzhandvski with trembling lips. But despite my anger I was weak and allowed the affair to be smoothed over. For the rest of the day I read a good little story by Bernard, and wrote a letter to Valerian. From the day I recovered my health I %el myself less than ever capable of living sociably and of a contentedly happy view of life. Have handed in another application for a transfer. Reproach myself with laziness. Have done absolutely nothing all day.