20–26 June 1853

For nearly a month have written nothing. During that time I went with my kundks to Vozdvf- zhensk. Played cards, and lost Sultan (a horse). I was almost taken prisoner, but on this occasion behaved well, though I was too sentimental. On getting back decided to remain here a month to finish Childhood , but have conducted myself all the week in such a disorderly fashion that I have become very sad and depressed, as always happens when one is dissatisfied with oneself. Yesterday Grishka was saying that I was pale after the Checheniens had nearly captured me, and that I was afraid to beat a Cossack who had struck a woman, because he would have hit me back. All this upset me so that I had a very vivid and depressing dream, and on waking up late I read how Obrf endured his misfortunes, and how Shakespeare says that a man is known in his calamity. It suddenly became incomprehensible to me how I could have behaved so badly all this time. If I wait for circumstances in which I can easily be virtuous and happy, I shall wait for ever. I am convinced of this. Girls have led me astray. As far as I can, I will try to be useful and industrious, and will certainly not act frivolously or do evil. I thank God for this disposition and pray : “ Creator support me ”. I have done much evil latterly. . . . Have spent money on trifles, and wasted time I might have used to advantage. I have boasted, disputed, and been angry.

Received a letter to-day from Serezha in which he writes me that Prince Gorchakov wished to write about me to Vorontsov, and I also received the paper relating to my resignation. I do not know how all this will end, but I mean to go one of these days to Pyatigorsk. I am not consistent or persistent in anything. As a result I have latterly begun to turn my attention on myself, and have become intolerably repulsive to myself. If I had been consistent in the ambitious mood in which I came here, I should have got on in the service and should have had ground to be satisfied with myself. Had I been persistent in the virtuous mood I was in when at Tifh's, I could have despised my ill-success and again could have felt satisfied, with myself. In small things and in great this defect ruins my happiness. Had I been persistent in my desire for women I should have had success and reminiscences. Had I been consistent in continence, I should have been proudly tranquil. This damned army detachment has completely knocked me out of the path of goodness on which I had entered so well, and which I wish to resume at any cost because it is the best path. Lord, teach and direct me ! I can’t write. I write too apathetically and badly. But what is there for me to do except write ? I have just been considering my position. Such a crowd of different thoughts revolved in my head that I was long unable to make anything out, except that I am bad and unhappy. After that period of mournful reflection, the following thoughts formulated themselves in my head. The aim of my life is known : it is goodness, the duty I owe to my serfs and fellow-countrymen. To the first of these I owe a duty because I own them ; and to the second, because I possess mind and talent. The latter duty I can fulfil now, but to fulfil the first I must employ all available means. My first thought (long ago) was to draw up rules of life for myself, and now I must return to that. But how much time has been wasted ! Perhaps God ordered my life thus to give me more experience. I should hardly have understood my aim so well had I been happy in pursuing my desires. To determine my actions in advance and verify my execution of them was a good idea, and I return to it. From this evening, in whatever circumstances I may be, I pledge myself to do this every evening. False shame has often hindered me from doing it. I undertake as far as possible to overcome that. Be straightforward , > even if rude ; be frank with everybody , not childishly , unnecessarily frank . Restrain thyself from wine and women . The pleasure is so brief, so cloudy, and the remorse so great. Give thyself completely to whatever affair thou undertakest. On receiving a strong impression , restrain thyself from action ; but having considered it, even though mistakenly , act resolutely. To-day I did not finish my prayers, being shy of Alexeev. I wrote little and without reflection. Ate too much, and fell asleep from laziness. Stopped writing on account of Arslan Khan’s arrival. I boasted of my connection with Gorchakov. Insulted Yanushk^vich without apparent reason. Wanted to have women. Boasted a good deal to G roman, to whom I read the story of Karl Ivdnych. To-morrow must get up early and write Childhood till dinner time. After dinner, I must go to the Little Russians (Ukrainians) and look out for an opportunity to do a good deed ; afterwards, write the Notes of an Officer in the Caucasus ,l or The Fugitive , till tea time. Write either Childhood or rules for my life.

Got up late though I woke early. Arslan Khan hindered me. Began to write, but everything comes out washy and incoherent, probably because I had not thought it out — so I wrote but little. Most of the morning I spent in experiments with turning objects and was childish in doing so. After dinner went to the Little Russians, but did not find an opportunity to do a good deed. Disobeyed my conscience. . . . This compulsory continence, it seems to me, gives me no rest and hinders my work ; and the sin is slight, for the unnatural position in which fate has placed me, excuses it. At Alexeev’s I did not ask for money. After dinner, was idle. Might at least have thought^ things out, if not written. The wenches prevent me. To- morrow morning will think out Boyhood and write till dinner time. If ideas do not come, I will write out the Rules . After dinner look out for a good deed, and write : The Fugitive till tea time; after tea The Notes of am Officer in the Caucasus. Ask Alexeev for money.