24–30 July 1854

In the morning Nover^zhski with a wry mouth brought me back my application endorsed by Kryz- handvski. All these petty unpleasantnesses have so upset me that I was positively not myself all day, but became lazy, apathetic, and unable to set to work on anything, taciturn with people, and so shamefaced that I perspired. I experienced this at Boborykin’s, first with Zybin, Friede, and Balyiizek, and in the evening with Kryz- handvski and Stolypin. I am too honest to get on with these people. It is strange that I have only now noticed one of my chief defects, an inclination to show my superiority: which offends and provokes envy in others. To secure people’s love one must on the contrary hide anything in which one excels. I have understood this late. Will not hand in my application until I am able to keep horses, and will employ all means to that end. Meanwhile will have no relations with anyone except such as are required by the service. Reproach myself for idleness.

We set off early for Kur. . . . All the way I suffered dreadfully physically (my face burnt terribly and came out in a rash), as well as morally. The so-called “ aristocrats ” arouse my envy. I am incurably petty and envious. . . . After dinner I went to see the old man, and found there a number of the Field-Marshal’s adjutants whose company I found unendurable. Afterwards when for the third time I tried to remember where we had met, Saltykdv said, “ That was at the time when you and I spent days together ”. That never happened. And during the sleepless night I have just spent, this was a recollection of the kind that makes one ready to scream. In the evening I went to see them with F^rzen, and not to mention Sukht&en (whom I must compel to bow to me), the merry Korsakdv who sings Gipsy songs capitally aroused terrible depression and envy in me. Finally I disputed even with Tishk^vich about some nonsense so acrimoniously that I offended him. “ What an insignificant fellow ! ” people would think who read this page. “ An unfortunate, with a spoilt nature. ...” Is it possible that this cannot be rectified ? To find the evil is said to be half-way towards remedying it. How long and sincerely I strive to do this, and all in vain. Always to be satisfied, modest, and industrious, are excellent rules. If only I could follow them ! It should be time for me to despair of amendment, but I still hope and still try. I reproach myself : (i) for idleness, (2) for double lack of modesty of quite opposite kinds, with the adjutant and with Tishk^vich.

Again a move — to Buzeo. The Bashi- Bazouks apparently had intentionally agreed to be particularly pleasant, but I had accumulated too much bile. I was wild and again offended Tishk^vich. In general I seldom remember having been in every way in such a terrible position as now. Ill, irritable, quite isolated — I have managed to set everyone against me — I am in an uncertain and bad position in the service. Must attend to my cure more carefully, put up with the un- pleasantness of associating with fresh companions. Have an explanation about my service with the General and Kryzhandvski, and get money. I reproach myself with : (1) idleness, (2) lack of modesty with Sukht&en and Tishk^vich, and (3) inconsiderateness, discontent, and indecision in amending my position.

I have remained here all day and seen no one except Tishk^vich and the adjutants, who all, it seems, avoid me as a disgracii. It is absurd. Should be satisfied with the day were it not for my idleness. . . . Some thoughts came into my head, but I feel how my memory becomes numbed, the love, respect, and confidence I had in my ability are vanishing, and I am going down in the world of ideas without thereby advancing — as should be the case — in the practical world. One of the thoughts apropos of which this reflection came into my head was that to seek to win the love of one’s neighbour is useless. In Dickens it stands on a level with other rules, but it cannot be a fundamental rule for it is complex and consists of many rules. However despite this, that con- ception is always more easily called to mind, more compre- hensible, and as it were nearer to one’s heart, than other fundamental rules — such as to be modest, contented, and cordial. Reproach myself to-day for : (i) idleness, because to-day, try as I will to justify myself, is one in which I have to admit that I have done nothing at all. It has left no trace of itself ; and (2) for childish indecision with the girls.

Am writing in a most pleasant and happy state of mind, in which I have spent the whole evening. In the morning I read, over-ate myself with pears, and instead of dinner I ate some cheese. In spite of the spree at Stol^pin’s and Serzhputdvski’s in honour of their having received rewards, I was not envious but passed the day happily. In the evening ... I drank a couple of glasses of champagne with Schwartz, Weinarn, and G&nbich, and afterwards chatted with Shdbin and Sasha Gorchakdv. Except for my idleness, I am well content with the day.

My amendment goes on admirably. I feel how my intercourse with people of all kinds becomes pleasanter and easier from the time I decided to be modest and became convinced that it is not at all necessary always to appear majestic and infallible. I feel very merry. God grant that this happiness comes from myself, as I think it does, from my desire to be pleasant to every- one, modest, slow to take offence and on guard against my bursts of anger. Then I should always be merry and nearly always happy. In the morning I decided to stay at home and work, but it did not get along and I could not refrain in the evening from going to gad about. . . . Reproach myself for lack of character, for not staying at home, and for idleness all day. That is the chief thing.

Rode to R^mnik. The old man still does not bow to me. Both these things make me angry. Behaved well with the Bashi-Bazouks whom I met. Had an explanation with Kryzhandvski. He for some reason advises me to attach myself to the Cossack brigade — advice which I shall not take. Argued venomously in the evening with Friede and Boborykin, abused Serzhputovski, and did nothing — those are the three reproaches I address to myself to-day.